09-21-2018, 04:38 PM
MY WIFE: EPISODE 1-10
Nkechi: is anyone home! Dede! Dede!
Funmi: coming! Who is It?(opens the door)
Lord! Kechi, is everything Okay??
Nkechi: everything is okay. Why?
Funmi: we weren’t expecting you…
Nkechi: Oh! Sorry I forgot I need to send you a special notice before I visit my brother’s house . Can I go in please!
Funmi: I didn’t mean it that way. Just thought it would have been nice to let us know you were on your way. You nearly missed me.
Nkechi: that wouldn’t be a problem because I haven’t come to see you. Where’s is my brother ?
Funmi: please come in. He’s gone to work and I was just about leaving when I heard the knock on the door
Nkechi: so why is his car here? Did he buy a new car.
Funmi: erm, actually, on Mondays, he lets me use the car. So he went by public transport.
Nkechi: interesting! He leaves the car for you…I see.
Funmi: erm, sorry Kechi but I need to leave now because I’m running late already. I didn’t know you were coming I would have made you something. Have this one thousand naira; you can use it to get a plate of rice from the woman who cooks down the road.
When I come back, I’ll cook
Nkechi: so there is no food in the house. What did my brother eat before going to work?
Funmi: Kechi, your brother has never been a breakfast person.
Nkechi: says who!
Funmi: well, for as long as I have known him
Nkechi: it is better to shut up than say what you are unsure of. The brother that I grew up with not a breakfast person? You must know your husband so well, don’t You!
Please drop the money on the table there and leave.
Funmi: what’s with the attitude, Kechi?
Nkechi: Oh tell me more about attitude! You left me out there screaming like a mad woman for over an hour, banging on the gate and you are here talking about attitude??? Really!
Funmi: there’s no way you would have knocked for that long. I was getting dressed! You don’t expect me to come get the door half naked. For all I care, it could have been anyone since you never told us you were coming!
Nkechi: enough please! I thought you said you were running late! Please leave and shut the door behind you…. To be continued....
MY WIFE: Episode two
CALISTA: it must be difficult for you being married in an Ibo family when you are Yoruba..
FUNMI: not really. Well, since I got married I haven’t actually had any problems with my in-laws. Not sure if it’s too early to say they are nice.
Calista: way too early. You’ve only been married for 4 months isn’t it?
Funmi: four days shy of four months
Calista: your marriage is still an embryo
Funmi: hehehehe! Excuse me, Cals I need to ring my husband now. He should be on break.
Calista: alright, hun
Funmi: (??????)
EBUKA: hello, sweetheart , you’re alright?
FUNMI: not really; I miss you?
EBUKA: I know you love this handsome Igbo prince. So how much do you miss him?
FUNMI: don’t you start feeling on top of the nation. Hahahaha! How has your day been so far?
EBUKA: well, busy as always. I’ve just rounded up a board meeting about 30 minutes ago. By the way! All the guys in the office love my shirt and want to know where I got it from, and I told them wifey got it for me. The single ones all want to get married now. Hahahaha!
Thanks, my beautiful!
FUNMI: that is what you get when you marry a Yoruba queen?
EBUKA: Hey! Don’t go there! Have you had something to eat yet?
FUNMI: no, we just went on break and I decided to ring you first before going out for lunch with Calista. So what would you like for supper? I finish at 4pm today so I’ll head straight to the market.
EBUKA: can we have amala today, please?
FUNMI: Oh! I forgot to mention! Kechi came this morning so I wouldn’t know if she would like it
EBUKA: Nkechi came? When? Is everything okay? How’s my mum??
FUNMI: she turned up while I was about leaving. She said everyone was okay
EBUKA: nah! This habit of showing up in my house when she likes has to stop. What does it take to send me a message that she is coming over! Anyway, I’ll have some serious conversation with her when I get home.
My family do not like Yoruba food at all, so Consider cooking rice or anything else then.
FUNMI: alright. Make sure you eat something as well.
EBUKA: I will, baby. I’ll love you and leave you now. Let me know when you are leaving and drive carefully.
FUNMI: I will. Love you.
EBUKA: love you too, baby. Bye!
????????????????
NKECHI: dede! You came back early!
EBUKA: it’s 5pm that’s my normal closing time. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming or Funmi?
NKECHI: I had no credit.
EBUKA: you were online on whatsapp this morning so don’t tell me you had no credit. Besides, I paid in three hundred thousand naira in your account on the 29th of March. So?
NKECHI: ?? but I can come to your house when I want!
EBUKA: Nkechi, I hope you haven’t been too spoilt that you no longer have manners. Common sense should tell you that I am married now and some things may change! How is mama?
NKECHI: I don’t know!
EBUKA: meaning???
NKECHI: I came straight from Portharcourt!
EBUKA: how was your exams?
NKECHI: don’t ask me!?
EBUKA: I haven’t got your time. I’m tired and hungry. Sweetheart! Sweetheart I’m home!
FUNMI: (from the kitchen) registered! Welcome, darling. Go have your shower and food will be ready before you are out
EBUKA: not even a hug. She just asked me to go and shower as if I stink. Where is the Love baby, where is the Love???
FUNMI: Oh no! Baby. I’m all sweaty and greasy. giving you a hug would ruin your clothes
EBUKA: not sure banking was the right profession for you. You should have studied law
FUNMI: hahahahahaha!!!????
NKECHI: (mumbles) always loud and lousy! Mtcheeeew!
FUNMI: Kechi! Kechi! Kechi!
EBUKA: Nkechi!!! Can’t you hear Funmi!!!
NKECHI: I can hear her but she isn’t calling my name because my name is not Kechi. My name is Nkechi!
FUNMI: what’s the difference!
NKECHI: the difference is that Nkechi means God’s own while Kechi has no meaning! If you are going to marry an Igbo man, your first assignment should have been to learn the Igbo language and not to learn how !
FUNMI: hehehehe! Nkechi, I am only 4 months in marriage. I’ll learn your language if you give me some time, madam!?
NKECHI: whatever!
EBUKA: watch it!!! Gini na eme gi!!!(what’s wrong with you)
NKECHI: dede hapum aka biko! (Brother, Leave me alone, please!)
FUNMI: anyways, I was calling to let you know that food is ready. You can serve yourself when you are ready to eat
NKECHI: Heard!
To be continued…
MY WIFE: Episide 3
NKECHI: good evening, brother. How was work?
EBUKA: work wasn’t too bad. Where have you been?
NKECHI: I’ve been upstairs
FUNMI: good evening, Inkechi
NKECHI: hia!!! Oh! Please Funmi my name is not Inkechi! Seriously, what’s so difficult about my name! I pronounce your name perfectly why can’t you do same! I am beginning to think you do it on purpose just to wind me up! Stop it please! Call me Jessica!
EBUKA: all these rants for pronouncing your name a little different from what is it? Come on, Nkechinyere! Drop this bitterness and bickering over nothing!
NKECHI: to you it’s nothing! To me it’s everything! Dede, i want to have a word with you…
EBUKA: okay, but first, what have you had to eat today?
NKECHI: I cooked chicken stew in a little pot.
EBUKA: why didn’t you eat the okro soup Funmi made? It’s very delicious
NKECHI: hmmm! Nke ahu juru na mmanu na ose! (You mean the one that’s full of oil and pepper!)
EBUKA: Nkechi, kedu ihe nwata nwanyi a mere gi biko? (Nkechi, what has this lady done to you please!)
NKECHI: can I talk to you now, please?
EBUKA: sure! I’m all ears
NKECHI: i want to discuss a private family matter with you so if your wife can excuse us, that will be great!
EBUKA: Funmi by virtue of our marriage has become my family so you have no right to exclude her in any family discussion you wish to have with me.
FUNMI: sweetheart, I’ll be upstairs (goes into their bedroom upstairs ?)
EBUKA: Funmi! Come back here! I’m sure you are enjoying the TV programme you were watching! Nkechi what’s the meaning of this!
FUNMI: no, don’t worry sweets, I’ll continue with the TV in the bedroom. Good night, Jessica
NKECHI: good night o!
EBUKA: be fast about whatever you have to say. I need to join my wife upstairs!
NKECHI:ooooo! Wife! Anyways, I want to go on holiday. Not alone o! It’s a group holiday and all my friend have bought their tickets except me. That’s why I came. I need money
EBUKA: where are you going?
NKECHI: Dubai
EBUKA: I do not have the money.
NKECHI: why?
EBUKA: simply because I… D–O N-O-T have it!
NKECHI: why must I continue to look like the poorest of all my friends when I have a brother who is very rich and who is supposed to be responsible for my financial needs!!!!
Claire has booked her ticket and so has Sophia!
EBUKA: it’s not my fault that you chose to be friends with the high and mighty! Claire’s father is a Minister and Sophia’s brother is a drug dealer. I work my backside off to earn every single penny that drops into my account!
Last year you went on a holiday in China and I paid for it. This year, I am not in a position to do so! Simple!
NKECHI: so what are you doing with your money then!
EBUKA: if you must know, Funmi recently started her part time MSC programme and I’ve just paid her fees, so i am low on funds. I cannot do it, baby girl!
NKECHI: if she wanted to be a masters degree holder, why didn’t her parents see to it. They waited for an Igbo saviour and all of a sudden she wants to do MSC!
Since you married this woman it’s now all about her and no one else! You’ve forgotten everything daddy told you before he died and now you are treating me this way! (Starts crying????)
EBUKA: Oh come off the cheap blackmail! Come off it! You are in the best university in the country, who pays for it? Ebuka! You have sworn never to wear any garment below ten thousand naira at 23 years of age. Who pays for them? Ebuka!
Nkechi, you own a car, you live in the most expensive area, I’ve bought you shares, not to talk of the monthly allowance I give you. What else do you want me to do!
Funmi is my wife and therefore my responsibility too!
If I invest in her, I am investing in the future of our children, so technically, it is to my advantage!
Give me a break!
NKECHI: Is that what you have to say eh! I’ll tell brother Chinwendu!
EBUKA: it doesn’t bother me. If you like, tell the whole world.
NKECHI: (runs off to her room and started ringing Chinwendu, the eldest of them all?????)
CHINWENDU: Nkechi, are you okay?
NKECHI: No, I’m not!!????
CHINWENDU: Jesus! Where are you? What happened? Why are you crying? Talk to me. Where exactly are you so I can drive down???
NKECHI: I am in his stupid house!
CHINWENDU: In whose stupid house!!
NKECHI: brother Ebuka!
CHINWENDU: so what’s going on? Is Ebuka okay?
NKECHI: he said he will never give me any money again that he is married now. I am suffering in uni and it doesn’t bother him. He said my suffering is yet to start??
CHINWENDU: Ebuka uttered those words!ara na ayi ya!(he is mad) I will break him! Afterall i made him! Ebuka is beginning to bite way more than he can chew with his Yoruba wife!
I’ll give him a call in the morning. He must give you the money you need.
Wipe your tears nnem, alright? Chy Chy?
NKECHI: eh?
CHINWENDU: I’ll handle him. I promise you. Stop crying inugo?
MY WIFE: Episode four
EBUKA: babe, I’ll come back a little late tomorrow. There’s a contract I want our company to enter into. I’m not very sure about what the law is on that; so I’ll go see my solicitor about it after work tomorrow
FUNMI: what contract is that?
EBUKA: I want the company to purchase…sorry, my brother is calling. Hold on (picks up his phone???) hello dede, good evening
CHINWENDU: Ebuka o gini n’eme gi n’isi! (What’s wrong with your head!)
EBUKA: I don’t understand. What do you mean?
CHINWENDU: have you forgotten so soon? If you have, then let me remind you! Nkechinyere is your responsibility! You willingly chose to look after her until she becomes independent! Let me also remind you that you were given Papa’s Abuja property on the condition that you provide Nkechi with whatever she needs!
EBUKA: have I defaulted on that?
CHINWENDU: Why have you refused to fund her holiday???
EBUKA: dede, must Nkechi go on a holiday every year?
CHINWENDU: her choice! Travelling is part of education. I love the fact that she likes travelling. Why are you kicking against it!! When you were in university, did you lack anything? I’m asking you, Ebuka, did you! You opened your silly mouth to tell her that her suffering is yet to begin!
Have you forgotten she is dad’s favourite? That pattern must continue! Nkechi will remain the family’s favourite and must be treated thus!
EBUKA: Nkechi lies! I never said that. I just told her that I am unable to fund her holiday because I’m presently low on funds!
CHINWENDU: because you have invested the money in sending your Yoruba wife back to uni! I am not interested in what you do in your multi-tribal home, as long as you don’t spend my father’s money in it!
His final wish was that Nkechi is properly looked after. I will not sit back and watch you disregard that wish.
Remember, the legal documents to that property has clauses specifying the conditions attached to your ownership of them. Don’t bring out the beast in me, dude. Don’t! Wear your big boy pants and behave!
EBUKA: my only crime is that I married outside our tribe against your wishes right? Hehehe! Anyway! I’ll give her the money over the weekend
CHINWENDU: good night
EBUKA: Funmi is saying hi to you.
CHINWENDU: give her my regards. Good night
????????????????
FUNMI: is everything okay?
EBUKA: yeah yeah… he is just doing Nkechi’s bidding as ever.
FUNMI: darling, please if you have the money, give it to her. Let peace reign; family feud is something I dread.
EBUKA: don’t let that bother you. I’ll give her the money over the weekend. Funmi?
FUNMI: yes
EBUKA: thank you for your understanding and the level of maturity you display daily here. I don’t know many women who would endure the things you endure daily from Nkechi. My family will soon warm up to you, Alright? Oh come on! Don’t cry.
I married you, right?
FUNMI: ? yes
EBUKA: I’ll protect you at all cost. Obviously, I would like to have a good relationship with my family but where that threatens my relationship with you, i would have to cut ties with my family.
FUNMI: that would be my worst nightmare
(Knock knock! Knock knock!
EBUKA: who is it!
NKECHI: me! Can I come in?
EBUKA: come in.
NKECHI: hi everybody?
FUNMI: hi Jessica.
NKECHI: dede, can you please take me to the high street to get call card. I need to make an important call tonight, biko
EBUKA: Nkechinyere, I am very tired! Why are you always a pest!
NKECHI: Because I am your baby sister??
EBUKA: phew! Sweetie, let me take her to the high street. I won’t be long. Do you need anything?
FUNMI: No, I’m fine. Drive carefully
EBUKA: I will do.
(Nkechi and her brother got into the car and as they drove down, Ebuka did not say a word to her, so she decided to break the silence)
NKECHI: ehn! Dede, something happened today!
EBUKA: what happened?
NKECHI: I don’t mean to be rude o! But do you think your wife can pass this MSC she started?
EBUKA: meaning?
NKECHI: I saw her reading a novel this afternoon, so i asked her where she got it. Guess what she told me?
EBUKA: I’m listening..
NKECHI: she told me she got it from Hamazon. Do you know, it took me a while to actually realise she meant Amazon?????. Oh my God, I couldn’t stop laughing!
EBUKA: you can never be as intelligent as Funmi. You don’t judge people’s intelligence by their accent and pronunciations. The earlier you change this dumb and uncivilised attitude of yours, the better for you!
(They got home and Nkechi went to her room and started ringing her friend, Amarachi)
AMARACHI
???) finally someone remembered to ring me!
NKECHI: I didn’t forget you o!
AMARACHI: so what’s up? any news
NKECHI: nothing serious yet, but I’m very positive
AMARACHI: are you sure this will work? I’m asking so that I know exactly what to do
NKECHI: I gave you my word. He is my brother and everyone in the family listens to me.
AMARACHI: but does your mum like the girl?
NKECHI: ermmm, not really but she doesn’t really bother about her. They don’t talk anyway because she can’t speak Igbo and my mum don’t speak English.
I don’t just understand how you would marry someone that cannot have a conversation with your mother. It’s just insane. But trust me, we can do this.
I have a plan but I’ll tell you tomorrow..
To be continued
MY WIFE: Episode 5
MADAM BOLA: Tosin! Tosin!! Oluwatosin!!!!
TOSIN: ma!!!
MADAM BOLA: come here!
TOSIN: go spread these clothes for me.
MADAM BOLA: auntie Adaku washed, so there’s no space to spread them.
MADAM BOLA: Ko gbogbo won Sile! Ode omo Igbo yi. A ji laaro a sa gbogbo aso e ki Awon eniyan ma ba raye! Mi o mo idi ti won o fi duro si ile won. Awon Yoruba lo ni ilu eko (Put them all on the floor! Stupid Igbo girl. She wakes up early to spread her clothes so that there will be no space for anyone else!
I don’t know why they can’t stay in their land. Lagos is Yoruba land!)
TOSIN: but ma…
MADAM BOLA: I said put them on the floor! Are you mad!!!
(Tosin did as her madam said. At 6 o’clock, Adaku who is madam Bola’s tenant was coming back from work when she saw all her clothes on the floor. Unsure of what happened, she decided to ask her landlady)
ADAKU: good evening, ma. How was your day?
MADAM BOLA: eh! Good evening
ADAKU: I just wanted to ask if you know who put all my washing on the floor. I just saw them all on the floor and some have been stepped on by kids…
MADAM BOLA: what do you expect eh? You think you can use your Igbo sense to say what happens in this yard? This yard belongs to my husband and I. Lagos state belongs to us Yorubas not you, omo Ibo!
You wake up early to wash and spread your clothes so that no one else will wash in this yard! I did it and I am not sorry about it!
ADAKU: really madam??? Did you have to put them on the floor? I left my laundry basket on the side just in case someone wanted to use the space. All you could have done is put my clothes in there, instead of leaving them all on the floor.
MADAM BOLA: heeee! Omo Ibo!???no single respect! So you expect me, a mother to put away your laundry abi??? Hian!!!! You have some guts, don’t you! Do you know who I am?? Do you know I have a girl your age? If Funmi were to be here right now, I would have asked her to teach you some life lessons!
She is your age mate but she is married. Why are you not married, ashawo!
ADAKU: is this about me being Igbo, or have I done anything else to you?
MADAM BOLA: don’t question me! Go to your state and question your mother. Nonsense! Every morning you go out and come back at night. Nobody knows what exactly you do. My daughter is a graduate and she has started her masters in her husband’s house! You are here dragging Laundry space with me. Oloshi!
Get out of my face joor!
************************************************
NKECHI: dede, my flatmate is travelling to London from here. I was just wondering if she could spend 2 nights here since she is travelling through Abuja airport.
EBUKA: when is her flight?
NKECHI: Sunday night.
EBUKA: speak to Funmi about that. Whatever she says stands. I’m off to work ?
NKECHI: chai! See how much authority bestowed on this fat Yoruba girl! Odiegwu o! (Goes upstairs where Funmi was getting ready for uni)
Good morning, Funmi
FUNMI: morning, Kechi.
NKECHI: Jessica is the name. Thanks.
FUNMI: sorry.
NKECHI: no worries. Anyways, I want to get Your royal ascent so that my friend who is travelling to London can spend two days with us . She is travelling through Abuja airport ?
FUNMI: no problems, she can come.
NKECHI: (sarcastically) Thanks ma’am (runs inside her room to tell her friend?????)
AMARACHI: hello, babe. What’s up!
NKECHI: I no tell you say something go stick? E don happen! Well, the underground work is done. Here is the plan! You are travelling to London from Abuja airport so you would stay with us from tomorrow. On Saturday, evening, get Oscar to call you to say that your flight has been cancelled and the next available flight is next week Monday.
That way, we buy more time to do our thing. My brother would be on annual leave from tomorrow!
AMARACHI: gurl! You baaaad!
NKECHI: agwarom gi! (Did I not tell you!) Don’t forget, my brother is a sucker for beautiful legs, and this is something you are blessed with. Get them bumshorts washed and ironed. No long gown biko????
AMARACHI: hahahahaha?????? trust!
NKECHI: seriously, my brother cannot resist a girl with beautiful legs. This Yoruba girl has good legs but nothing to compare with yours. My brother literally worships any female with nice legs. At the sight of a good pair of legs, Ebuka will bow.
God punish inter-tribal marriage!
AMARACHI: amen o! ???
NKECHI: done your hair?
AMARACHI: I’ll do it today
NKECHI: See you tomorrow
To be continued
MY WIFE: Episode 6
NKECHI: Dede, Amara just got to the Park; can I use your car to go pick her up, please?
EBUKA: Nkechi, you know you cannot drive me car! You’ll be arrested because your name is not in my insurance. Why not ask her to take a cab?
NKECHI: she’s not very familiar with Abuja and has had a not so good experience with an Uber driver, so she is scared to use them.
EBUKA: make she enter keke naw. It’s just roughly 15 minutes from the park to here!
NKECHI: seriously! You want my friend to enter that??? I’m going to pick her up!
EBUKA: Nkechinyere, you are just a pain in the backside! Funmi, let me go and pick her friend up abeg.
FUNMI: no problems. By the time you come back, food should be ready.
EBUKA: alright, hun. Nkechi! I’ll be waiting in the car.
NKECHI: I won’t be a minute??
(They got to the park and picked Amarachi up. She is a very beautiful young lady and has got all the features that can get a man’s head swelling and swirling. One thing though, she was not dressed in bumshorts as was suggested by Nkechi.
Instead, she was dressed in a white pencil skirt and a wine coloured off the shoulder top.
Well, this had the effect of making her appear innocent, decent and classy. To the unsuspecting, she is harmless!)
NKECHI: hello!
AMARACHI: (Startled) oh my God! You scared me! (Hugs her)
NKECHI: I saw you from the car and decided to take you unawares. Come along! My brother brought me!
What’s the meaning of this you are wearing naw! This no be business meeting o!
AMARACHI: oh! He came with you! Calm down, we are already fake so we don’t need to make it too obvious! Hahahaha!
NKECHI: na your head be fake! Did you tell Oscar to ring?
AMARACHI: you won’t believe he insisted I pay him 5k for that.
NKECHI: did you?
AMARACHI: yes o!
NKECHI: don’t worry, it will be worth it in the end. That’s my brother’s car over there, come on!
(At this point, I consider it necessary to tell you a little more about Ebuka, shall I? Well, Ebuka is one of those guys you would describe as “God’s gift to women” no he doesn’t struggle that much to keep “it” in his pants but he has a thing for women with nice legs and he has some aggressive blood flowing in his veins.
In a nutshell, Ebuka is young, successful and the CEO of the very honourable beard gang
When he caught a glimpse of Amarachi from afar, he wanted nothing more than to see more and more of her. For a moment, he was absent in the body and present in the spirit. Whatever you make of it, is what it is?)
NKECHI: dede, meet my friend, Amara. Amara meet my dede Ebuka!??
EBUKAoffering her a handshake) or wow! What a beauty she is! Hello, Amara nice to meet you!
AMARACHI: (shyly) hi, nice to meet you too. Thank you.
EBUKA: get into the car, ladies. Do you need to stop anywhere at all or are we driving straight home?
NKECHI: Amara, do you need anything?
AMARACHI: No, I’m fine. Thank you.
(During that 15 minutes drive home, Ebuka would occasionally try to get more view of Amara through the side mirror.
A friend of mine once told me that it is difficult to resist a woman who is elegantly dressed. “You just wanna keep looking” he added! That might just be true!
They got home and Funmi had already finished cooking and brought the pounded yam and okro soup she expertly made to the table, in airtight food containers.
EBUKA: sweetie, we are home!
FUNMI: oh that was quick?
NKECHI: Amara, meet Funmi ..
AMARACHI: hello, nice to meet you. My name is Amara. I am Nkechi’s friend and course mate
FUNMI: nice to meet you too. My name is Funmi, that’s my husband over there. You are welcome
NKECHI: hian!?
FUNMI: please go change into something comfortable and come to the dinning table.
(Lol this is funny, she shouldn’t have said that, should she! The moment she mentioned ‘something comfortable ” it activated the instructions Nkechi had given her earlier. So she went in and came out in a smoking hot khaki green bumshorts and a white cotton crop top. By God, the girl has got legs!
When she came out, everyone else was already seated and yet again, Ebuka was caught in the act of ‘excessive lookery ‘ .
It was so obvious that Funmi noticed it and went to the bedroom, summoning him….)
FUNMI: what was the meaning of that!!!
EBUKA: the meaning of what!!
FUNMI: you couldn’t keep your eyes off her as she walked to the table! I find that very disrespectful!
EBUKA: Funmi, this is the only problem I’ve always had with you! Your insecurity does my head in! You are beautiful, you are brilliant and I chose you over any other women out there! These should give you some sort of confidence in yourself but no! In your head, every other woman out there is better than you! Come on naw!
FUNMI: please tell your sister to tell her friend to dress appropriately when you are around. I’m not happy with what she is wearing please! Also, I want her to leave tomorrow morning. You can pay for a hotel for them or something
EBUKA: nah, babe. That’s not happening. There’s already tension between me and my family, you don’t wanna cause more. Can I go eat now, please?
FUNMI: I want her to leave or I go to Lagos until she leaves.
EBUKA: I’ll leave that choice with you. I’m going back to the dinning. Put an end to this drama now! And I mean now!!
My wife -Episode 7
FUNMI: Ebuka! Ebuka!! Wake up!!!
EBUKA: (incoherently) what is it, babe?
FUNMI: I’m going to Lagos and I’m ready. Please drop me off to the park?
EBUKA: so you now wake up and decide to go to your parents’ house without any prior notice? And since when did you start going to Lagos by road? What’s with the recent attitude?
FUNMI: my mum’s blood pressure has been playing up so I’m going to spend the weekend with them. They also want to increase the house rent for tenants so I am the one who does all the maths! Please drop me off I don’t want to be late. I also want give you all the time you need to stare at naked women!
EBUKA: make sure this is what you want to do o! Everything was fine until Nkechi’s friend came. A girl I haven’t even sat down and talk to for a minute except at meal times.
Since she came, Nkechi has changed towards you.
She is more respectful to you, she makes Nkechi do chores; she even washed your clothes yesterday! That is something Nkechi would never have done on her own and you know it!
wait wait! Do you think im going to do what? Sleep with her or marry her, what!
I’m honestly getting fed up of your silly insecurity. You need to do something about it.
Finally, I am unaware of this trip, get a cab!
FUNMI: I should get a cab eh, Ebuka?? I should get a cab! I told you my mum is Ill and I need to go see her and you refused to drop me off to the park abi!!!
Two days ago, you went to the park to pick a girl up even when you were very tired; just because she is Ibo!
If you loved your Ibo women that much, why didn’t you marry one of them! Since she came, all of you now communicate in Ibo leaving me totally in the dark!
Home is no longer what it used to be, and I’ve asked you to pay for a hotel for her since she is only here for a few days, but no!
EBUKA: I have no money to pay for a hotel when I own a mansion. The problem is in your head. You need to detoxify your mind otherwise this marriage is in for a big one
NKECHI: (knocks once on the door and opened almost immediately) what’s the matter, dede? What’s with the Igbo girls this, that and the other? O gini?? (What’s the matter?)
FUNMI: leave my bedroom now! You lack manners!
NKECHI: o si na o gini? (What’s she saying?)
EBUKA: Nkechi, go back to your room, biko.
NKECHI: just wanted to ask you guys to keep the noise down, it’s Saturday and my visitor is asleep!
Abraham had a reason for asking Isaac to get himself a wife from his tribe! Mtchewww! (Walks out)
FUNMI: I’m leaving, I’ll be back on Tuesday!
EBUKA: what about your work?
FUNMI: I took Monday and Tuesday off
EBUKA: do you want me to call Chima to get you into the next available flight? It’s stressful travelling that long by road, especially with the state of the roads!
FUNMI: no?
EBUKA: alright, I’ll drop you to the park. Let me quickly brush my teeth
FUNMI: thanks. Babe, can you please stay at Chima’s house until I’m back please. I’m begging?
EBUKA: haaa! Chai! Chineke!! Funmi you don mad finish, I swear! So you think Chima has anti cheating installed in his house huh?
If I want to do a thing, my location won’t make any difference. Girl, I’m mobile! I’ve got some money. I could go to London and come back between now and Tuesday. Come on!
I’m an Igbo man, we don’t sleep in another man’s house. Just get real!
The girl you are all worried about isn’t even that beautiful! Come on! You know the kind of girls I go for. Besides, she is my little sister’s friend! I see her as a sister!
FUNMI: the way you look at her isn’t the way one looks at a sister!
EBUKA: This conversation is over from my end. Let me take you to the park, biko!
*********************************************
(Funmi got to her family home but the doors were all locked so she started banging and calling out. Adaku heard her from her room and came out to see who it was)
ADAKU: hello, who are you looking for?
FUNMI: hi, where are my parents? Sorry my name is Funmi; I am Mr Bode’s daughter.
ADAKU: oh nice to meet you. I think they have gone to church. They are Seventh Days Adventist members
FUNMI: oh sugar! How could I have forgotten!
ADAKU: it happens to the best of us. Come stay in my room and wait for them. I’m sure they won’t be long
FUNMI: how kind! You must be one of the new tenant because it’s my first time seeing you.
ADAKU: yes, I am. So where do you live? Sorry before I start, I made some chicken stew. Would you like some?
FUNMI: oh yes, please! Can’t say no to anything chicken? I live in Abuja with my husband
ADAKU: Wow! It must be great living with your husband. Some of us are not that lucky
FUNMI: yes, you enjoy that companionship. Doesn’t mean you won’t encounter other problems though.. so are you divorced?
ADAKU: hehehe no dear. My husband recently moved to Canada after we got married. So I live here alone and lonely at the moment
FUNMI: awwww! it must be hard. So any plans of you joining him at all?
ADAKU: of course. I’ve got an interview on Monday with the Canadian Embassy.
FUNMI: oh! All the best with that. Actually I’m gonna give you my number to you tell me all about it. By the way, I am married to an Ibo man. This food is so delicious! Wow! Your hubby is definitely missing out!??
ADAKU: Wow! The best men in the entire world! You are lucky!
FUNMI: Hehehehe! Praising your brothers now aye! But if I’m honest, he has been a great husband but family, especially his little sister is a witch! Pure witch.
ADAKU: I think every family is blessed with one witch. Hahahaha
FUNMI: mine isn’t o! Well, it’s just me, my mum and dad and my adopted brother, Tosin. And I must say we are nice to people.
ADAKU: hehehe. Well, I hope you somehow get on with your sister in law. Shall we see a movie?
FUNMI: Oh my God! I can’t believe we like the same things on a weekend! Finally got myself a bestie!!! Yeeeeee
**********************************************
(Ebuka went from the park to the gym. By the time he got home, Nkechi and her friend in bumshorts had cleaned and polished the whole house in such a manner that it sparkled. They had also cooked a sumptuous vegetable soup with loads of goat meat, Ebuka’s favourite thing in the world.
Being very hungry, he bounced on the food joined by the girls, they dismantled it. Ebuka then grabbed his Xbox and got busy, while the girls retired to their room for more “planning”
After about two hours, the girls came out in their bikinis. Oh! And was Ebuka magneted by Amara’s stunning figure!)
NKECHI: dede, I want to use the swimming pool, is that okay?
EBUKA: erm sure! You girls want to swim?
AMARACHI: Nkechi wants to swim, so i am only going to watch her because I can’t swim to save my life
EBUKA: why not! But you are dressed for it. Do you want to learn?
AMARACHI: if I get a trusted tutor, definitely not Nkechi. She is too skinny to rescue me if I was drowning?
NKECHI: I no blame you?
EBUKA: alright, I’ll change and come teach you
AMARACHI: oh how kind! Yeeeee
(The girls got into the pool and before you could say ‘married’ Ebuka was out in his body hugging swimming suit revealing everything that makes a sister vulnerable. I’ll spare you the details)
Ebuka: are you ready?
The girls: yessssss!!!!? ️? ️? ️? ️? ️? ️?
️? ️? ️
(Ebuka dived into the pool and helped Amara in. Then the swimming lesson began while Nkechi was swimming on the other end of the pool to leave them enough space for the tutorial.
Don’t ask me, but the lesson involved a lot of body contact and before long, Ebuka’s body started to obviously react to the many contacts. How did I know? It was obvious even without my glasses, I could SEE It all??)
Nkechi: dede, I must go get call card now, I need to call mum. (Jumps out of the pool creating not just more space for the two, but privacy and a conducive atmosphere)
EBUKA: what are you doing???
AMARACHI: I’m sorry..
EBUKA: you don’t have to be. Did you do that on purpose?
AMARACHI:?
EBUKA: are you bold enough to say what you want? Who knows, you might just get it…
AMARACHI: probably not, but are you smart enough to read my body language?
Episode 8
NKECHI: Amara, get the door I am in the restroom!
AMARACHI: coming!! One minute (opens the door) wow! Where have you been since Saturday. We’ve looked everywhere for you!
EBUKA: why are you still here. You only had my permission to be here until Sunday. By my calendar, today is Monday. You should be in London and not here!
AMARACHI: I’ll explain..
EBUKA: (pushed her aside and walked angrily upstairs) Nkechinyere! Nkechinyere!!
NKECHI: dede!
EBUKA: come upstairs immediately!
NKECHI: hian! Give me 6 minutes. I’m freshening up!
(Nkechi went upstairs to his brother’s room after freshening up. But before then, she reassured Amara of her continuous effort to bring their agenda to fruitition )
NKECHI: dede you got me really worried! You disappeared since Saturday. No phone call or text message. Kee ebe igara? (where did you go?)
EBUKA: I lodged in a hotel
NKECHI: why?
EBUKA: so your friend did not tell you anything?
NKECHI: mba! She did not. What happened?
EBUKA: she did not tell you anything at all??
NKECHI: makachukwu onweghi ihe ogwaram (honest to God, she did not tell me anything ) However, she has been crying since Saturday coupled with the fact that her flight was cancelled and rescheduled for next Sunday!
EBUKA: go inside and ask her to pack up and leave immediately!
NKECHI: but why? What has she done? You can’t just send her away like that!
When I was stranded in Lagos, her brother housed me for weeks! If you are not going to tell me why you are sending her away, then ill call brother Chinwendu and tell him and I’ll leave with her!
EBUKA: if she must stay here, you must ask her to behave!
NKECHI: how? She’s been absolutely helpful so what do you mean?
EBUKA: The scanty clothes must stop! Funmi is coming back tomorrow so I wouldn’t want to see her walking around the house almost naked!
NKECHI: hahahah! Dede dede! But it’s not her fault that she’s got nice legs and body. So her crime is that she is more beautiful than your Yoruba wife!???
You know you are an Igbo man, so you are allowed to take a second bride. The elders will support you???
EBUKA: it’s either she abides by those rules or she leaves and you can tell whoever you like. I don’t care
NKECHI: okay, I’ll tell her. Would you like Some breakfast? We made some really nice omelette.
EBUKA: no thanks. You can leave now; shut the door behind you. Thank you!
(Nkechi joined her friend in her room, and Ebuka started to ring Funmi)
EBUKA: (??????)
FUNMI: hello..good morning
EBUKA: morning, how is mummy today?
FUNMI: she is fine. I got her some blood pressure tablets. So she is fine now
EBUKA: good stuff! So when are you coming back to me?
FUNMI: has your visitor left?
EBUKA: I have no visitor.
FUNMI: when is she leaving?
EBUKA: Why are you asking me? I don’t know! I don’t even talk to that lady! I have been paying 10 thousand naira a night in a hotel just to get you to believe I am not sleeping with her whilst you are away!
I have called you on video every single night since you left, just to prove to you that I am not keeping any other woman in the hotel either!
How else do you want me to prove my faithfulness to you!
FUNMI: I’m not coming back until she leaves.
EBUKA: I’ve told Nkechi to warn her about wearing shorts around the house, and she has agreed not to wear them anymore. Please come back, Funmi!
FUNMI: actually, I found this really nice Ibo lady. She is my dad’s tenant and we have become great friends so I don’t even feel like returning.
EBUKA: why are you doing this? Why are you exposing our young marriage to dangers! You would rather spend time with your new friend than me, right?
FUNMI: okay, I’ll come back on Tuesday. Babe, can you do me a huge favour please?
EBUKA: what favour?
FUNMI: there’s something I’ve asked Calista to buy for me. She called to say she got it. Could you please go collect it from her at Ibrahim junction please?
EBUKA: how would I know when she gets there?
FUNMI: she’ll call you. I’ve given her your number
EBUKA: whatever makes you happy.
FUNMI: thanks, I’ll see you on Tuesday morning
EBUKA: I love you
FUNMI: love you too
(Immediately Ebuka got off the phone, there was a knock on the door, when he asked the person to come in, it was Amara. But this time, she was fully clothed)
EBUKA: why are you in my bedroom?
AMARACHI: I’m sorry, I’ve been here for a while waiting for you to get done with the call so I can come and apologise for what happened on Saturday.
Please forgive me. That is not who I am…I….I just didn’t know what came over me. I am so ashamed of myself
EBUKA: Amara, you are beautiful. Let me be straight, you are damn sexy! You can turn an impotent man on! but you know I am married why would you harass me in the manner you did on Saturday?
AMARACHI: like I said, I don’t know what came over me. I sincerely regret it and I promise it will never happen again.
EBUKA: so when is your flight?
AMARACHI: Sunday
EBUKA: do you have enough spending money that will last you till then?
AMARACHI: not really but I’ll be fine
EBUKA: I’ll give you some money later in the day, and if you need anything let me know.. (phone rings) sorry, I need to take this call
Hello.. hello
Caller: hello, am I on to Ebuka?
EBUKA: yes, you are.
Caller: my name is Calista, your wife’s colleague. I’ve got something for her and I am at Ibrahim junction, sorry I can’t bring it to your house otherwise I would miss my bus home.
EBUKA: if that’s the only problem, then come. I’ll drop you home
CALISTA: are you sure?
EBUKA: sure!
CALISTA: alright, I’ll see you soon
(Calista dropped the item and as Ebuka was driving her home, she initiated a conversation)
CALISTA: Funmi tells me what an amazing husband you are.
EBUKA: does she!
CALISTA: yes. I wish I have a man to go home to every night
EBUKA: but you don’t look single to me
CALISTA: I am as single as it comes .
EBUKA: why?
CALISTA: I’m not attractive enough
EBUKA: you must be kidding me! You are stunning!
CALISTA: my house is the next block. Would you like to come inside and have a cup of coffee?. Don’t say no please
EBUKA: very kind of you! I will!
(They got in and Calista quickly changed into a very loose transparent shirt wearing only an underpant beneath and leaving about 4 buttons undone from the top)
CALISTA: sorry I had to quickly change.
EBUKA: no worries
CALISTA: would you like to have a look around the house?
EBUKA: do I have the time?
CALISTA: of course you do, you have nobody to go home to (gently pulling her shirt apart to reveal even more “skin”) by the way, why are you pretending as if you are blind?
EBUKA: how do you mean?
CALISTA: (takes off her shirt entirely) why are you behaving as if you don’t like this? (Pointing to her breasts)
EBUKA: ermm, I do. But they are on the wrong body. You are my wife’s friend
CALISTA: what does it matter?
EBUKA: everything
CALISTA: pressing herself against him, but I have on several occasions walked into her doing it with our manager. You see, it’s not so much of a big deal as you are making it look.
EBUKA: (gently pushes her away) what did you just say!!
CALISTA: these things happen everywhere and everyday. Funmi is known for her generosity at work, if you know what I mean?
EBUKA: (grabs his car keys and kicks the door open, jumps into his car and zooms off)
MY WIFE: episode 9
(Funmi had called Ebuka severally to pick her up from the park to no avail, so she decided to take a cab home. she knocked on the door and Nkechi opened the door for her)
FUNMI: where is your brother??
NKECHI: calm down, woman! a hello would be a good start!
FUNMI: oh sorry my dear! I’m just worried because I rang him endlessly. he was supposed to pick me up.
good day
NKECHI: well, it’s not very unusual not to get a response when you ring someone on phone! stop acting like someone died!
FUNMI:I don’t even have your time this morning (walks briskly upstairs into their bedroom where Ebuka was getting dressed)
did you not see my calls??
EBUKA: (Ignores her and carries on adjusting his ties in front of the mirror )
FUNMI: stop ignoring me! I am talking to you! I only went to Lagos to see my poorly mother! why didn’t you come to pick me up from the park, like we agreed!
EBUKA: you got yourself safely home, right? so no damage done! get out of my way (pushes her aside and walks away)
FUNMI: ( nearly falls over) Jesu! Ebuka, you’ll hurt me!! what’s your problem! (walks into Nkechi’s room) Nkechi, what’s happening? your brother is not talking to me!
NKECHI: not sure about you Yorubas, but Igbo parents raise their children never to interfere in matters between husband and wife. a third party should not even know about this. he is not talking to you, so what!
He is your husband, you should know how best to penetrate him, if you weren’t busy frequenting Lagos! please keep me out of it!
AMARACHI: I think you should….
FUNMI: hey! stay out of this, please. stay entirely out of it!
(Amarachi’s phone rings…..)
AMARACHI: hello???
EBUKA: Hi, Amara. its Ebuka here. I am at that MTN office at the junction. could you come there right now, please. its urgent!
AMARACHI: is everything okay?
EBUKA: yes. just come.
AMARACHI: Okay. see you shortly. Nkechi, I need to go see someone at the junction now
NKECHI: hian! is everything okay, and who are you going to meet?
AMARACHI: a friend of mine. I told her I came to Abuja so she asked where about. when I told her, she said she was coming to collect her dress from her designer somewhere near the junction and asked if we could meet up. so she is right there now.
NKECHI: alright. be careful then.
AMARACHI: I will.
(Amarachi got to the junction and saw Ebuka in his car. his eyes were red and swollen; he had deafening music playing in his car that he couldn’t hear Amara calling him, so she banged on his glass)
EBUKA: oh! you are here already! perfect! get into the car please
AMARACHI: could you turn down the volume of the music, please!
EBUKA: Sure! (turns down the volume of the music, Amara got into the car and he drove her to a posh Hilton hotel. when he got to the car park, he switched off the ignition)
Amara, have you heard of revenge sex?
AMARACHI: yes. why?
EBUKA: I wanna have revenge sex with you. Now, listen, I am going to be straight forward with you. I love your body. I do not necessarily love you and I do not want a relationship with you or any other woman, as a matter of fact.
So I would like to spend some time with you in this hotel. precisely, I would like to have sex with you here today. How much would you charge me. Don’t be afraid to go into the million zone.
AMARACHI: who are you carrying out the revenge on?
EBUKA: my wife
AMARACHI: Did she cheat on you?
EBUKA: Stop asking too many questions. how much are you willing to charge
AMARACHI: Ebuka, I will not have sex with you. in fact, I will never have sex with you!
EBUKA: so why did you act as if you were dying to have me over the weekend? is it because I said I love only your body? who knows, love might come after sex. you never can tell! but I am an honest guy
AMARACHI: I know I may have acted cheap over the weekend. that is why I am not offended by you asking me for a paid sex. I am actually not cheap; but I understand, because I created that impression.
EBUKA: (opens his pigeon hole and brings out a bundle of 20 thousand naira) here, have this, get off my car and go back home, miss expensive!
AMARACHI: I am new here and I do not know my way around. so I will not put myself in any form of danger. drop me home or I am going no where!
and for your information, I traded my shame for the joy of the lord, e mean say I no dey shame. we fit create a crowd pulling scene here if you want. so get your filthy money off my face!
EBUKA: I don’t expect a slut like you to have any shame anyway. well, the last time I checked, you are going to be a graduate engineer in a few months from now. so I would expect you to be street wise and able to take yourself around with the help of your mobile phone. but since you are not as intelligent as you look, I will help.
so, there is something called Uber ride, call them and get yourself home!
AMARACHI: just so you know, I am an only daughter to a doting parents. if anything happens to me, they will die. so I will not enter into a stranger’s car. when you are done ranting, take this slut home!
EBUKA: okay! i will drop you to a place where you only need one taxi home, and i will put you into that taxi by myself. is that okay, madam Thatcher?
AMARACHI: It is not okay, Mr Hitler! home! home! home! or no where else!
(seeing that she was not willing to accept any other option, Ebuka decided to drive her home. when they got home, Ebuka went straight to his Xbox. but Amara walked all the way back to the junction and then got a cab back home, so that no one would know they went out together)
FUNMI: darling, food is ready
EBUKA: not hungry. thanks!
FUNMI: why are you not hungry. seriously, why not tell me exactly what I have done! why are you being wicked to me!
EBUKA: Funmi, do you want to tell me anything about you and your manager, Mr Osai?
FUNMI: ,Mr Osai? no. what about him?
EBUKA: Perfect then! (picks up his phone and started ringing Chima, his friend)
CHIMA: what’s up?
EBUKA: o boy, you dey house?
CHIMA: yes, i dey
EBUKA: i dey come your end, abeg
CHIMA: no wahala. see you!
(Ebuka walks out of the house and went to his friend’s house. when he left, Funmi picked up her phone and started ringing Calista)
CALISTA: hey my beautiful! are you alright?
FUNMI: no, i am not. did you tell my husband about Mr Osai and I?
CALISTA: (Pressed record on her phone so that their conversation is being recorded in her mobile phone)
you mean if i told him that you slept with Mr Osai?
FUNMI: Yes, did you?
CALISTA: wait wait! I don’t get it. do you mean the one I walked in on you having sex with him or the one you told me happened when you went to Ghana for training? i really don’t understand.
FUNMI: yes!! yes! did you tell him or anyone else about it, please!
CALISTA: Come on, babe! you know i would never do a thing like that to you!….
MY WIFE: Episode 10
MADAM BOLA: () omo Ibo! Omo Ibo!!! Open door o! Day don break! Which young person dey stay for bed until this time when him mates don all dey ready for work.
for night you no go sleep, na so you go dey for phone dey talk to man!
ADAKU: good morning, ma.
MADAM BOLA: ehn! I wan come tell you say rent dey go up this month by twenty thousand naira o!
ADAKU: why? There has been no renovations or anything done to the house to warrant such increase?
MADAM BOLA: na your mama you dey ask why? Na lack of respect go kill you! No home training at all!!!
See as she keep mouth dey ask me why! Anyway, if you no like am, pack your things and go back to Igbo land.
Lagos no be lazy man land. No be like your place wen una no dey pay rent. I don talk finish. No talk say I no tell you o!
(Adaku went back inside and shut her door. After a while, one of the tenants called Bose knocked on her door…)
ADAKU (opens the door) morning, Bose
BOSE: na vex say I dey disturb, abeg help me charge my phone for your room. I no get fuel to put my generator on. Abeg
ADAKU: sure! Come in and plug it in. Ehn! Bose, did you hear of the rent increase?
BOSE: which increase?
ADAKU: landlady told me this morning that rent has increased by twenty thousand naira.
BOSE: ah! She no tell me anything like that o! She only say a new tenant will be moving in from next week. That’s all.
ADAKU: okay.
(Bose left and Adaku went to madam Bola’s house)
ADAKU () anyone home?
MADAM BOLA: wetin you want?
ADAKU: sorry to disturb, but why was my rent increased but everyone else’s stayed the same?
MADAM BOLA: oh! You come my house come ask me why again??? You no dey shame? All the money wen you dey get for olosho job, wetin you dey take am dey do! Leave my house before I call my dog!
ADAKU: I’ll leave but just so you know, I am not paying a kobo more than what I have always paid. Bye! (Walks out)
MADAM BOLA: na for that house them go find your decomposing body if you no pay rent. Shebi na me and you for this yard. You go see!
************************************************
FUNMI: good morning, sir.
MR OSAI: morning, Funmi. You don’t look too happy; what’s the matter?
FUNMIbreaks down in tears????)
MR OSAI: oh dear! What’s the matter? Come on! Stop crying and talk to me. What happened? How is Ebuka?
FUNMI: I’m in trouble??
MR OSAI: what trouble? If you calm down and tell me, I might be able to help. I mean you are my staff i could use the company’s money to solve the problem and then gradually take it back from your wages.
Did you make any mistakes?
Is money missing?
Did you overpay a client?
FUNMI: nooo????? my husband found out I was sleeping with you.
MR OSAI: but that happened when we were both unmarried!
Do you know all the women he slept with before meeting you? Come on! This shouldn’t be an issue!
FUNMI: that’s the problem! He didn’t even let me explain. I don’t know what he was told and who told him.
Since then, home has been hell! He goes out and comes back drunk and totally off his face. Calls me all manner of names. I never thought my past could find its way to my present and mess it up this way!
MR OSAI: but you and I had a secret relationship because we were in the same company.
No one knew about it except of course your friend…. And I take the blame because you kicked against that but I insisted on having sex with you in my office. So how could he have known!
Does your friend have his phone number?
FUNMI: no..well, yes. I recently gave it to her because I wanted her to give him the shoes he bought me from Italy, when I was in Lagos. I don’t think she saved it.
And I don’t want to believe she would do such a thing to me
MR OSAI: I’m not saying she said it, but you women can be really nasty when you feel your friend is happier than you. You women are always competing with each other, which I think is pathetic!
Listen, go to your husband when he is sober and explain things to him.
Come on! Not like we were having casual sex! We were in a relationship and we were going to get married until our genotypes shattered those plans.
I’m sure your husband had sex with at least one of his exes! Why punish you for it!
FUNMI: I am in bits. This is a home where I am already the black sheep! If his family gets to know, they’d kick me out and my mother warned me not to ever come back home if my marriage crashes, because she was never in support of me marrying an Ibo man??
MR OSAI: would you like me to talk man to man with him?
FUNMI: I don’t know what I want. I can’t even function
MR OSAI: alright! Listen, this is not a big deal at all, but I understand your fears. I’ll give you one week off, fully paid. Try to sort things out with him as amicably as possible, if all fails, I’ll send you to America to start a new life. What nonsense!!!??
I hate to see you like this. And I feel very guilty because I am enjoying my own marriage. Please go home and if you need anything, regardless of what time of the day or night it is, I am only a phone call away.
Here is fifty thousand naira, have that on you just in case.?
FUNMI: thank you very much. I’ll be on my way now.
MR OSAI: take care of you, funmi??
(Funmi got home and met Amarachi and Nkechi but Ebuka was not home)
FUNMI: good morning, Kechi. Where is your brother?
NKECHI: you are asking me??? You are asking me ehn! You see how you are ruining my brother’s life!
Whatever you did to him that he has refused to tell anyone, only God knows!
Ebuka that hardly drinks now comes home drunk every single night! My brother is gradually dying in my own presence because of a Yoruba fool he got himself entangled with!
Pray nothing happens to him. Otherwise we will show you what we are made of! I recorded him last night drunk and talking gibberish. I’ll send that video to brother Chinwendu just so he knows exactly how you are killing my brother
AMARACHI: NKechi ozuola!( NKechi, it’s enough!)
FUNMI: ???
NKECHI: enough what! Do you know how I feel seeing my brother like that! Please don’t tell me it’s enough!
I will kill this Yoruba thing with my bare hands if anything happens to Ebuka.
You better go and ask of Okoye family! Anyi adighi ekiri mmanwu ana akwa aka! (An Igbo proverb suggesting that they are not cowards)
AMARACHI: where are you getting dressed to go?
NKECHI: I’m going to welcome my boyfriend from the airport. I told you yesterday. See, you don’t have to assist this Yoruba woman with any house chores. Her people like using people, so don’t let a Yoruba person tell you what to do. Otherwise she will put you for pant. I’m off!…Don’t forget to eat?
(Nkechi left the house, Funmi went into the kitchen to prepare launch. She cried audibly as she washed the pot in preparation for cooking. Amara walked into the kitchen, took the vegetables and started chopping them for her)
AMARACHI: I know it hurts, but should you need someone to talk to, I am here…
FUNMI: why should I trust you, a stranger!
AMARACHI: perhaps because I am a woman and I feel your pains..
FUNMI: you don’t! Nobody does!
AMARACHI: you cheated on him, right?
FUNMIshocked) what? How did you know! I did not cheat!!! I didn’t (breaks down in tears??)
AMARACHI: it’s not the end of the world. You can deal with this. You have the ability in you. You just need the temerity…
I can help you….
FUNMI: how???
To be continued
Nkechi: is anyone home! Dede! Dede!
Funmi: coming! Who is It?(opens the door)
Lord! Kechi, is everything Okay??
Nkechi: everything is okay. Why?
Funmi: we weren’t expecting you…
Nkechi: Oh! Sorry I forgot I need to send you a special notice before I visit my brother’s house . Can I go in please!
Funmi: I didn’t mean it that way. Just thought it would have been nice to let us know you were on your way. You nearly missed me.
Nkechi: that wouldn’t be a problem because I haven’t come to see you. Where’s is my brother ?
Funmi: please come in. He’s gone to work and I was just about leaving when I heard the knock on the door
Nkechi: so why is his car here? Did he buy a new car.
Funmi: erm, actually, on Mondays, he lets me use the car. So he went by public transport.
Nkechi: interesting! He leaves the car for you…I see.
Funmi: erm, sorry Kechi but I need to leave now because I’m running late already. I didn’t know you were coming I would have made you something. Have this one thousand naira; you can use it to get a plate of rice from the woman who cooks down the road.
When I come back, I’ll cook
Nkechi: so there is no food in the house. What did my brother eat before going to work?
Funmi: Kechi, your brother has never been a breakfast person.
Nkechi: says who!
Funmi: well, for as long as I have known him
Nkechi: it is better to shut up than say what you are unsure of. The brother that I grew up with not a breakfast person? You must know your husband so well, don’t You!
Please drop the money on the table there and leave.
Funmi: what’s with the attitude, Kechi?
Nkechi: Oh tell me more about attitude! You left me out there screaming like a mad woman for over an hour, banging on the gate and you are here talking about attitude??? Really!
Funmi: there’s no way you would have knocked for that long. I was getting dressed! You don’t expect me to come get the door half naked. For all I care, it could have been anyone since you never told us you were coming!
Nkechi: enough please! I thought you said you were running late! Please leave and shut the door behind you…. To be continued....
MY WIFE: Episode two
CALISTA: it must be difficult for you being married in an Ibo family when you are Yoruba..
FUNMI: not really. Well, since I got married I haven’t actually had any problems with my in-laws. Not sure if it’s too early to say they are nice.
Calista: way too early. You’ve only been married for 4 months isn’t it?
Funmi: four days shy of four months
Calista: your marriage is still an embryo
Funmi: hehehehe! Excuse me, Cals I need to ring my husband now. He should be on break.
Calista: alright, hun
Funmi: (??????)
EBUKA: hello, sweetheart , you’re alright?
FUNMI: not really; I miss you?
EBUKA: I know you love this handsome Igbo prince. So how much do you miss him?
FUNMI: don’t you start feeling on top of the nation. Hahahaha! How has your day been so far?
EBUKA: well, busy as always. I’ve just rounded up a board meeting about 30 minutes ago. By the way! All the guys in the office love my shirt and want to know where I got it from, and I told them wifey got it for me. The single ones all want to get married now. Hahahaha!
Thanks, my beautiful!
FUNMI: that is what you get when you marry a Yoruba queen?
EBUKA: Hey! Don’t go there! Have you had something to eat yet?
FUNMI: no, we just went on break and I decided to ring you first before going out for lunch with Calista. So what would you like for supper? I finish at 4pm today so I’ll head straight to the market.
EBUKA: can we have amala today, please?
FUNMI: Oh! I forgot to mention! Kechi came this morning so I wouldn’t know if she would like it
EBUKA: Nkechi came? When? Is everything okay? How’s my mum??
FUNMI: she turned up while I was about leaving. She said everyone was okay
EBUKA: nah! This habit of showing up in my house when she likes has to stop. What does it take to send me a message that she is coming over! Anyway, I’ll have some serious conversation with her when I get home.
My family do not like Yoruba food at all, so Consider cooking rice or anything else then.
FUNMI: alright. Make sure you eat something as well.
EBUKA: I will, baby. I’ll love you and leave you now. Let me know when you are leaving and drive carefully.
FUNMI: I will. Love you.
EBUKA: love you too, baby. Bye!
????????????????
NKECHI: dede! You came back early!
EBUKA: it’s 5pm that’s my normal closing time. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming or Funmi?
NKECHI: I had no credit.
EBUKA: you were online on whatsapp this morning so don’t tell me you had no credit. Besides, I paid in three hundred thousand naira in your account on the 29th of March. So?
NKECHI: ?? but I can come to your house when I want!
EBUKA: Nkechi, I hope you haven’t been too spoilt that you no longer have manners. Common sense should tell you that I am married now and some things may change! How is mama?
NKECHI: I don’t know!
EBUKA: meaning???
NKECHI: I came straight from Portharcourt!
EBUKA: how was your exams?
NKECHI: don’t ask me!?
EBUKA: I haven’t got your time. I’m tired and hungry. Sweetheart! Sweetheart I’m home!
FUNMI: (from the kitchen) registered! Welcome, darling. Go have your shower and food will be ready before you are out
EBUKA: not even a hug. She just asked me to go and shower as if I stink. Where is the Love baby, where is the Love???
FUNMI: Oh no! Baby. I’m all sweaty and greasy. giving you a hug would ruin your clothes
EBUKA: not sure banking was the right profession for you. You should have studied law
FUNMI: hahahahahaha!!!????
NKECHI: (mumbles) always loud and lousy! Mtcheeeew!
FUNMI: Kechi! Kechi! Kechi!
EBUKA: Nkechi!!! Can’t you hear Funmi!!!
NKECHI: I can hear her but she isn’t calling my name because my name is not Kechi. My name is Nkechi!
FUNMI: what’s the difference!
NKECHI: the difference is that Nkechi means God’s own while Kechi has no meaning! If you are going to marry an Igbo man, your first assignment should have been to learn the Igbo language and not to learn how !
FUNMI: hehehehe! Nkechi, I am only 4 months in marriage. I’ll learn your language if you give me some time, madam!?
NKECHI: whatever!
EBUKA: watch it!!! Gini na eme gi!!!(what’s wrong with you)
NKECHI: dede hapum aka biko! (Brother, Leave me alone, please!)
FUNMI: anyways, I was calling to let you know that food is ready. You can serve yourself when you are ready to eat
NKECHI: Heard!
To be continued…
MY WIFE: Episide 3
NKECHI: good evening, brother. How was work?
EBUKA: work wasn’t too bad. Where have you been?
NKECHI: I’ve been upstairs
FUNMI: good evening, Inkechi
NKECHI: hia!!! Oh! Please Funmi my name is not Inkechi! Seriously, what’s so difficult about my name! I pronounce your name perfectly why can’t you do same! I am beginning to think you do it on purpose just to wind me up! Stop it please! Call me Jessica!
EBUKA: all these rants for pronouncing your name a little different from what is it? Come on, Nkechinyere! Drop this bitterness and bickering over nothing!
NKECHI: to you it’s nothing! To me it’s everything! Dede, i want to have a word with you…
EBUKA: okay, but first, what have you had to eat today?
NKECHI: I cooked chicken stew in a little pot.
EBUKA: why didn’t you eat the okro soup Funmi made? It’s very delicious
NKECHI: hmmm! Nke ahu juru na mmanu na ose! (You mean the one that’s full of oil and pepper!)
EBUKA: Nkechi, kedu ihe nwata nwanyi a mere gi biko? (Nkechi, what has this lady done to you please!)
NKECHI: can I talk to you now, please?
EBUKA: sure! I’m all ears
NKECHI: i want to discuss a private family matter with you so if your wife can excuse us, that will be great!
EBUKA: Funmi by virtue of our marriage has become my family so you have no right to exclude her in any family discussion you wish to have with me.
FUNMI: sweetheart, I’ll be upstairs (goes into their bedroom upstairs ?)
EBUKA: Funmi! Come back here! I’m sure you are enjoying the TV programme you were watching! Nkechi what’s the meaning of this!
FUNMI: no, don’t worry sweets, I’ll continue with the TV in the bedroom. Good night, Jessica
NKECHI: good night o!
EBUKA: be fast about whatever you have to say. I need to join my wife upstairs!
NKECHI:ooooo! Wife! Anyways, I want to go on holiday. Not alone o! It’s a group holiday and all my friend have bought their tickets except me. That’s why I came. I need money
EBUKA: where are you going?
NKECHI: Dubai
EBUKA: I do not have the money.
NKECHI: why?
EBUKA: simply because I… D–O N-O-T have it!
NKECHI: why must I continue to look like the poorest of all my friends when I have a brother who is very rich and who is supposed to be responsible for my financial needs!!!!
Claire has booked her ticket and so has Sophia!
EBUKA: it’s not my fault that you chose to be friends with the high and mighty! Claire’s father is a Minister and Sophia’s brother is a drug dealer. I work my backside off to earn every single penny that drops into my account!
Last year you went on a holiday in China and I paid for it. This year, I am not in a position to do so! Simple!
NKECHI: so what are you doing with your money then!
EBUKA: if you must know, Funmi recently started her part time MSC programme and I’ve just paid her fees, so i am low on funds. I cannot do it, baby girl!
NKECHI: if she wanted to be a masters degree holder, why didn’t her parents see to it. They waited for an Igbo saviour and all of a sudden she wants to do MSC!
Since you married this woman it’s now all about her and no one else! You’ve forgotten everything daddy told you before he died and now you are treating me this way! (Starts crying????)
EBUKA: Oh come off the cheap blackmail! Come off it! You are in the best university in the country, who pays for it? Ebuka! You have sworn never to wear any garment below ten thousand naira at 23 years of age. Who pays for them? Ebuka!
Nkechi, you own a car, you live in the most expensive area, I’ve bought you shares, not to talk of the monthly allowance I give you. What else do you want me to do!
Funmi is my wife and therefore my responsibility too!
If I invest in her, I am investing in the future of our children, so technically, it is to my advantage!
Give me a break!
NKECHI: Is that what you have to say eh! I’ll tell brother Chinwendu!
EBUKA: it doesn’t bother me. If you like, tell the whole world.
NKECHI: (runs off to her room and started ringing Chinwendu, the eldest of them all?????)
CHINWENDU: Nkechi, are you okay?
NKECHI: No, I’m not!!????
CHINWENDU: Jesus! Where are you? What happened? Why are you crying? Talk to me. Where exactly are you so I can drive down???
NKECHI: I am in his stupid house!
CHINWENDU: In whose stupid house!!
NKECHI: brother Ebuka!
CHINWENDU: so what’s going on? Is Ebuka okay?
NKECHI: he said he will never give me any money again that he is married now. I am suffering in uni and it doesn’t bother him. He said my suffering is yet to start??
CHINWENDU: Ebuka uttered those words!ara na ayi ya!(he is mad) I will break him! Afterall i made him! Ebuka is beginning to bite way more than he can chew with his Yoruba wife!
I’ll give him a call in the morning. He must give you the money you need.
Wipe your tears nnem, alright? Chy Chy?
NKECHI: eh?
CHINWENDU: I’ll handle him. I promise you. Stop crying inugo?
MY WIFE: Episode four
EBUKA: babe, I’ll come back a little late tomorrow. There’s a contract I want our company to enter into. I’m not very sure about what the law is on that; so I’ll go see my solicitor about it after work tomorrow
FUNMI: what contract is that?
EBUKA: I want the company to purchase…sorry, my brother is calling. Hold on (picks up his phone???) hello dede, good evening
CHINWENDU: Ebuka o gini n’eme gi n’isi! (What’s wrong with your head!)
EBUKA: I don’t understand. What do you mean?
CHINWENDU: have you forgotten so soon? If you have, then let me remind you! Nkechinyere is your responsibility! You willingly chose to look after her until she becomes independent! Let me also remind you that you were given Papa’s Abuja property on the condition that you provide Nkechi with whatever she needs!
EBUKA: have I defaulted on that?
CHINWENDU: Why have you refused to fund her holiday???
EBUKA: dede, must Nkechi go on a holiday every year?
CHINWENDU: her choice! Travelling is part of education. I love the fact that she likes travelling. Why are you kicking against it!! When you were in university, did you lack anything? I’m asking you, Ebuka, did you! You opened your silly mouth to tell her that her suffering is yet to begin!
Have you forgotten she is dad’s favourite? That pattern must continue! Nkechi will remain the family’s favourite and must be treated thus!
EBUKA: Nkechi lies! I never said that. I just told her that I am unable to fund her holiday because I’m presently low on funds!
CHINWENDU: because you have invested the money in sending your Yoruba wife back to uni! I am not interested in what you do in your multi-tribal home, as long as you don’t spend my father’s money in it!
His final wish was that Nkechi is properly looked after. I will not sit back and watch you disregard that wish.
Remember, the legal documents to that property has clauses specifying the conditions attached to your ownership of them. Don’t bring out the beast in me, dude. Don’t! Wear your big boy pants and behave!
EBUKA: my only crime is that I married outside our tribe against your wishes right? Hehehe! Anyway! I’ll give her the money over the weekend
CHINWENDU: good night
EBUKA: Funmi is saying hi to you.
CHINWENDU: give her my regards. Good night
????????????????
FUNMI: is everything okay?
EBUKA: yeah yeah… he is just doing Nkechi’s bidding as ever.
FUNMI: darling, please if you have the money, give it to her. Let peace reign; family feud is something I dread.
EBUKA: don’t let that bother you. I’ll give her the money over the weekend. Funmi?
FUNMI: yes
EBUKA: thank you for your understanding and the level of maturity you display daily here. I don’t know many women who would endure the things you endure daily from Nkechi. My family will soon warm up to you, Alright? Oh come on! Don’t cry.
I married you, right?
FUNMI: ? yes
EBUKA: I’ll protect you at all cost. Obviously, I would like to have a good relationship with my family but where that threatens my relationship with you, i would have to cut ties with my family.
FUNMI: that would be my worst nightmare
(Knock knock! Knock knock!
EBUKA: who is it!
NKECHI: me! Can I come in?
EBUKA: come in.
NKECHI: hi everybody?
FUNMI: hi Jessica.
NKECHI: dede, can you please take me to the high street to get call card. I need to make an important call tonight, biko
EBUKA: Nkechinyere, I am very tired! Why are you always a pest!
NKECHI: Because I am your baby sister??
EBUKA: phew! Sweetie, let me take her to the high street. I won’t be long. Do you need anything?
FUNMI: No, I’m fine. Drive carefully
EBUKA: I will do.
(Nkechi and her brother got into the car and as they drove down, Ebuka did not say a word to her, so she decided to break the silence)
NKECHI: ehn! Dede, something happened today!
EBUKA: what happened?
NKECHI: I don’t mean to be rude o! But do you think your wife can pass this MSC she started?
EBUKA: meaning?
NKECHI: I saw her reading a novel this afternoon, so i asked her where she got it. Guess what she told me?
EBUKA: I’m listening..
NKECHI: she told me she got it from Hamazon. Do you know, it took me a while to actually realise she meant Amazon?????. Oh my God, I couldn’t stop laughing!
EBUKA: you can never be as intelligent as Funmi. You don’t judge people’s intelligence by their accent and pronunciations. The earlier you change this dumb and uncivilised attitude of yours, the better for you!
(They got home and Nkechi went to her room and started ringing her friend, Amarachi)
AMARACHI
???) finally someone remembered to ring me!NKECHI: I didn’t forget you o!
AMARACHI: so what’s up? any news
NKECHI: nothing serious yet, but I’m very positive
AMARACHI: are you sure this will work? I’m asking so that I know exactly what to do
NKECHI: I gave you my word. He is my brother and everyone in the family listens to me.
AMARACHI: but does your mum like the girl?
NKECHI: ermmm, not really but she doesn’t really bother about her. They don’t talk anyway because she can’t speak Igbo and my mum don’t speak English.
I don’t just understand how you would marry someone that cannot have a conversation with your mother. It’s just insane. But trust me, we can do this.
I have a plan but I’ll tell you tomorrow..
To be continued
MY WIFE: Episode 5
MADAM BOLA: Tosin! Tosin!! Oluwatosin!!!!
TOSIN: ma!!!
MADAM BOLA: come here!
TOSIN: go spread these clothes for me.
MADAM BOLA: auntie Adaku washed, so there’s no space to spread them.
MADAM BOLA: Ko gbogbo won Sile! Ode omo Igbo yi. A ji laaro a sa gbogbo aso e ki Awon eniyan ma ba raye! Mi o mo idi ti won o fi duro si ile won. Awon Yoruba lo ni ilu eko (Put them all on the floor! Stupid Igbo girl. She wakes up early to spread her clothes so that there will be no space for anyone else!
I don’t know why they can’t stay in their land. Lagos is Yoruba land!)
TOSIN: but ma…
MADAM BOLA: I said put them on the floor! Are you mad!!!
(Tosin did as her madam said. At 6 o’clock, Adaku who is madam Bola’s tenant was coming back from work when she saw all her clothes on the floor. Unsure of what happened, she decided to ask her landlady)
ADAKU: good evening, ma. How was your day?
MADAM BOLA: eh! Good evening
ADAKU: I just wanted to ask if you know who put all my washing on the floor. I just saw them all on the floor and some have been stepped on by kids…
MADAM BOLA: what do you expect eh? You think you can use your Igbo sense to say what happens in this yard? This yard belongs to my husband and I. Lagos state belongs to us Yorubas not you, omo Ibo!
You wake up early to wash and spread your clothes so that no one else will wash in this yard! I did it and I am not sorry about it!
ADAKU: really madam??? Did you have to put them on the floor? I left my laundry basket on the side just in case someone wanted to use the space. All you could have done is put my clothes in there, instead of leaving them all on the floor.
MADAM BOLA: heeee! Omo Ibo!???no single respect! So you expect me, a mother to put away your laundry abi??? Hian!!!! You have some guts, don’t you! Do you know who I am?? Do you know I have a girl your age? If Funmi were to be here right now, I would have asked her to teach you some life lessons!
She is your age mate but she is married. Why are you not married, ashawo!
ADAKU: is this about me being Igbo, or have I done anything else to you?
MADAM BOLA: don’t question me! Go to your state and question your mother. Nonsense! Every morning you go out and come back at night. Nobody knows what exactly you do. My daughter is a graduate and she has started her masters in her husband’s house! You are here dragging Laundry space with me. Oloshi!
Get out of my face joor!
************************************************
NKECHI: dede, my flatmate is travelling to London from here. I was just wondering if she could spend 2 nights here since she is travelling through Abuja airport.
EBUKA: when is her flight?
NKECHI: Sunday night.
EBUKA: speak to Funmi about that. Whatever she says stands. I’m off to work ?
NKECHI: chai! See how much authority bestowed on this fat Yoruba girl! Odiegwu o! (Goes upstairs where Funmi was getting ready for uni)
Good morning, Funmi
FUNMI: morning, Kechi.
NKECHI: Jessica is the name. Thanks.
FUNMI: sorry.
NKECHI: no worries. Anyways, I want to get Your royal ascent so that my friend who is travelling to London can spend two days with us . She is travelling through Abuja airport ?
FUNMI: no problems, she can come.
NKECHI: (sarcastically) Thanks ma’am (runs inside her room to tell her friend?????)
AMARACHI: hello, babe. What’s up!
NKECHI: I no tell you say something go stick? E don happen! Well, the underground work is done. Here is the plan! You are travelling to London from Abuja airport so you would stay with us from tomorrow. On Saturday, evening, get Oscar to call you to say that your flight has been cancelled and the next available flight is next week Monday.
That way, we buy more time to do our thing. My brother would be on annual leave from tomorrow!
AMARACHI: gurl! You baaaad!
NKECHI: agwarom gi! (Did I not tell you!) Don’t forget, my brother is a sucker for beautiful legs, and this is something you are blessed with. Get them bumshorts washed and ironed. No long gown biko????
AMARACHI: hahahahaha?????? trust!
NKECHI: seriously, my brother cannot resist a girl with beautiful legs. This Yoruba girl has good legs but nothing to compare with yours. My brother literally worships any female with nice legs. At the sight of a good pair of legs, Ebuka will bow.
God punish inter-tribal marriage!
AMARACHI: amen o! ???
NKECHI: done your hair?
AMARACHI: I’ll do it today
NKECHI: See you tomorrow
To be continued
MY WIFE: Episode 6
NKECHI: Dede, Amara just got to the Park; can I use your car to go pick her up, please?
EBUKA: Nkechi, you know you cannot drive me car! You’ll be arrested because your name is not in my insurance. Why not ask her to take a cab?
NKECHI: she’s not very familiar with Abuja and has had a not so good experience with an Uber driver, so she is scared to use them.
EBUKA: make she enter keke naw. It’s just roughly 15 minutes from the park to here!
NKECHI: seriously! You want my friend to enter that??? I’m going to pick her up!
EBUKA: Nkechinyere, you are just a pain in the backside! Funmi, let me go and pick her friend up abeg.
FUNMI: no problems. By the time you come back, food should be ready.
EBUKA: alright, hun. Nkechi! I’ll be waiting in the car.
NKECHI: I won’t be a minute??
(They got to the park and picked Amarachi up. She is a very beautiful young lady and has got all the features that can get a man’s head swelling and swirling. One thing though, she was not dressed in bumshorts as was suggested by Nkechi.
Instead, she was dressed in a white pencil skirt and a wine coloured off the shoulder top.
Well, this had the effect of making her appear innocent, decent and classy. To the unsuspecting, she is harmless!)
NKECHI: hello!
AMARACHI: (Startled) oh my God! You scared me! (Hugs her)
NKECHI: I saw you from the car and decided to take you unawares. Come along! My brother brought me!
What’s the meaning of this you are wearing naw! This no be business meeting o!
AMARACHI: oh! He came with you! Calm down, we are already fake so we don’t need to make it too obvious! Hahahaha!
NKECHI: na your head be fake! Did you tell Oscar to ring?
AMARACHI: you won’t believe he insisted I pay him 5k for that.
NKECHI: did you?
AMARACHI: yes o!
NKECHI: don’t worry, it will be worth it in the end. That’s my brother’s car over there, come on!
(At this point, I consider it necessary to tell you a little more about Ebuka, shall I? Well, Ebuka is one of those guys you would describe as “God’s gift to women” no he doesn’t struggle that much to keep “it” in his pants but he has a thing for women with nice legs and he has some aggressive blood flowing in his veins.
In a nutshell, Ebuka is young, successful and the CEO of the very honourable beard gang
When he caught a glimpse of Amarachi from afar, he wanted nothing more than to see more and more of her. For a moment, he was absent in the body and present in the spirit. Whatever you make of it, is what it is?)
NKECHI: dede, meet my friend, Amara. Amara meet my dede Ebuka!??
EBUKA
offering her a handshake) or wow! What a beauty she is! Hello, Amara nice to meet you!AMARACHI: (shyly) hi, nice to meet you too. Thank you.
EBUKA: get into the car, ladies. Do you need to stop anywhere at all or are we driving straight home?
NKECHI: Amara, do you need anything?
AMARACHI: No, I’m fine. Thank you.
(During that 15 minutes drive home, Ebuka would occasionally try to get more view of Amara through the side mirror.
A friend of mine once told me that it is difficult to resist a woman who is elegantly dressed. “You just wanna keep looking” he added! That might just be true!
They got home and Funmi had already finished cooking and brought the pounded yam and okro soup she expertly made to the table, in airtight food containers.
EBUKA: sweetie, we are home!
FUNMI: oh that was quick?
NKECHI: Amara, meet Funmi ..
AMARACHI: hello, nice to meet you. My name is Amara. I am Nkechi’s friend and course mate
FUNMI: nice to meet you too. My name is Funmi, that’s my husband over there. You are welcome
NKECHI: hian!?
FUNMI: please go change into something comfortable and come to the dinning table.
(Lol this is funny, she shouldn’t have said that, should she! The moment she mentioned ‘something comfortable ” it activated the instructions Nkechi had given her earlier. So she went in and came out in a smoking hot khaki green bumshorts and a white cotton crop top. By God, the girl has got legs!
When she came out, everyone else was already seated and yet again, Ebuka was caught in the act of ‘excessive lookery ‘ .
It was so obvious that Funmi noticed it and went to the bedroom, summoning him….)
FUNMI: what was the meaning of that!!!
EBUKA: the meaning of what!!
FUNMI: you couldn’t keep your eyes off her as she walked to the table! I find that very disrespectful!
EBUKA: Funmi, this is the only problem I’ve always had with you! Your insecurity does my head in! You are beautiful, you are brilliant and I chose you over any other women out there! These should give you some sort of confidence in yourself but no! In your head, every other woman out there is better than you! Come on naw!
FUNMI: please tell your sister to tell her friend to dress appropriately when you are around. I’m not happy with what she is wearing please! Also, I want her to leave tomorrow morning. You can pay for a hotel for them or something
EBUKA: nah, babe. That’s not happening. There’s already tension between me and my family, you don’t wanna cause more. Can I go eat now, please?
FUNMI: I want her to leave or I go to Lagos until she leaves.
EBUKA: I’ll leave that choice with you. I’m going back to the dinning. Put an end to this drama now! And I mean now!!
My wife -Episode 7
FUNMI: Ebuka! Ebuka!! Wake up!!!
EBUKA: (incoherently) what is it, babe?
FUNMI: I’m going to Lagos and I’m ready. Please drop me off to the park?
EBUKA: so you now wake up and decide to go to your parents’ house without any prior notice? And since when did you start going to Lagos by road? What’s with the recent attitude?
FUNMI: my mum’s blood pressure has been playing up so I’m going to spend the weekend with them. They also want to increase the house rent for tenants so I am the one who does all the maths! Please drop me off I don’t want to be late. I also want give you all the time you need to stare at naked women!
EBUKA: make sure this is what you want to do o! Everything was fine until Nkechi’s friend came. A girl I haven’t even sat down and talk to for a minute except at meal times.
Since she came, Nkechi has changed towards you.
She is more respectful to you, she makes Nkechi do chores; she even washed your clothes yesterday! That is something Nkechi would never have done on her own and you know it!
wait wait! Do you think im going to do what? Sleep with her or marry her, what!
I’m honestly getting fed up of your silly insecurity. You need to do something about it.
Finally, I am unaware of this trip, get a cab!
FUNMI: I should get a cab eh, Ebuka?? I should get a cab! I told you my mum is Ill and I need to go see her and you refused to drop me off to the park abi!!!
Two days ago, you went to the park to pick a girl up even when you were very tired; just because she is Ibo!
If you loved your Ibo women that much, why didn’t you marry one of them! Since she came, all of you now communicate in Ibo leaving me totally in the dark!
Home is no longer what it used to be, and I’ve asked you to pay for a hotel for her since she is only here for a few days, but no!
EBUKA: I have no money to pay for a hotel when I own a mansion. The problem is in your head. You need to detoxify your mind otherwise this marriage is in for a big one
NKECHI: (knocks once on the door and opened almost immediately) what’s the matter, dede? What’s with the Igbo girls this, that and the other? O gini?? (What’s the matter?)
FUNMI: leave my bedroom now! You lack manners!
NKECHI: o si na o gini? (What’s she saying?)
EBUKA: Nkechi, go back to your room, biko.
NKECHI: just wanted to ask you guys to keep the noise down, it’s Saturday and my visitor is asleep!
Abraham had a reason for asking Isaac to get himself a wife from his tribe! Mtchewww! (Walks out)
FUNMI: I’m leaving, I’ll be back on Tuesday!
EBUKA: what about your work?
FUNMI: I took Monday and Tuesday off
EBUKA: do you want me to call Chima to get you into the next available flight? It’s stressful travelling that long by road, especially with the state of the roads!
FUNMI: no?
EBUKA: alright, I’ll drop you to the park. Let me quickly brush my teeth
FUNMI: thanks. Babe, can you please stay at Chima’s house until I’m back please. I’m begging?
EBUKA: haaa! Chai! Chineke!! Funmi you don mad finish, I swear! So you think Chima has anti cheating installed in his house huh?
If I want to do a thing, my location won’t make any difference. Girl, I’m mobile! I’ve got some money. I could go to London and come back between now and Tuesday. Come on!
I’m an Igbo man, we don’t sleep in another man’s house. Just get real!
The girl you are all worried about isn’t even that beautiful! Come on! You know the kind of girls I go for. Besides, she is my little sister’s friend! I see her as a sister!
FUNMI: the way you look at her isn’t the way one looks at a sister!
EBUKA: This conversation is over from my end. Let me take you to the park, biko!
*********************************************
(Funmi got to her family home but the doors were all locked so she started banging and calling out. Adaku heard her from her room and came out to see who it was)
ADAKU: hello, who are you looking for?
FUNMI: hi, where are my parents? Sorry my name is Funmi; I am Mr Bode’s daughter.
ADAKU: oh nice to meet you. I think they have gone to church. They are Seventh Days Adventist members
FUNMI: oh sugar! How could I have forgotten!
ADAKU: it happens to the best of us. Come stay in my room and wait for them. I’m sure they won’t be long
FUNMI: how kind! You must be one of the new tenant because it’s my first time seeing you.
ADAKU: yes, I am. So where do you live? Sorry before I start, I made some chicken stew. Would you like some?
FUNMI: oh yes, please! Can’t say no to anything chicken? I live in Abuja with my husband
ADAKU: Wow! It must be great living with your husband. Some of us are not that lucky
FUNMI: yes, you enjoy that companionship. Doesn’t mean you won’t encounter other problems though.. so are you divorced?
ADAKU: hehehe no dear. My husband recently moved to Canada after we got married. So I live here alone and lonely at the moment
FUNMI: awwww! it must be hard. So any plans of you joining him at all?
ADAKU: of course. I’ve got an interview on Monday with the Canadian Embassy.
FUNMI: oh! All the best with that. Actually I’m gonna give you my number to you tell me all about it. By the way, I am married to an Ibo man. This food is so delicious! Wow! Your hubby is definitely missing out!??
ADAKU: Wow! The best men in the entire world! You are lucky!
FUNMI: Hehehehe! Praising your brothers now aye! But if I’m honest, he has been a great husband but family, especially his little sister is a witch! Pure witch.
ADAKU: I think every family is blessed with one witch. Hahahaha
FUNMI: mine isn’t o! Well, it’s just me, my mum and dad and my adopted brother, Tosin. And I must say we are nice to people.
ADAKU: hehehe. Well, I hope you somehow get on with your sister in law. Shall we see a movie?
FUNMI: Oh my God! I can’t believe we like the same things on a weekend! Finally got myself a bestie!!! Yeeeeee
**********************************************
(Ebuka went from the park to the gym. By the time he got home, Nkechi and her friend in bumshorts had cleaned and polished the whole house in such a manner that it sparkled. They had also cooked a sumptuous vegetable soup with loads of goat meat, Ebuka’s favourite thing in the world.
Being very hungry, he bounced on the food joined by the girls, they dismantled it. Ebuka then grabbed his Xbox and got busy, while the girls retired to their room for more “planning”
After about two hours, the girls came out in their bikinis. Oh! And was Ebuka magneted by Amara’s stunning figure!)
NKECHI: dede, I want to use the swimming pool, is that okay?
EBUKA: erm sure! You girls want to swim?
AMARACHI: Nkechi wants to swim, so i am only going to watch her because I can’t swim to save my life
EBUKA: why not! But you are dressed for it. Do you want to learn?
AMARACHI: if I get a trusted tutor, definitely not Nkechi. She is too skinny to rescue me if I was drowning?
NKECHI: I no blame you?
EBUKA: alright, I’ll change and come teach you
AMARACHI: oh how kind! Yeeeee
(The girls got into the pool and before you could say ‘married’ Ebuka was out in his body hugging swimming suit revealing everything that makes a sister vulnerable. I’ll spare you the details)
Ebuka: are you ready?
The girls: yessssss!!!!? ️? ️? ️? ️? ️? ️?
️? ️? ️
(Ebuka dived into the pool and helped Amara in. Then the swimming lesson began while Nkechi was swimming on the other end of the pool to leave them enough space for the tutorial.
Don’t ask me, but the lesson involved a lot of body contact and before long, Ebuka’s body started to obviously react to the many contacts. How did I know? It was obvious even without my glasses, I could SEE It all??)
Nkechi: dede, I must go get call card now, I need to call mum. (Jumps out of the pool creating not just more space for the two, but privacy and a conducive atmosphere)
EBUKA: what are you doing???
AMARACHI: I’m sorry..
EBUKA: you don’t have to be. Did you do that on purpose?
AMARACHI:?
EBUKA: are you bold enough to say what you want? Who knows, you might just get it…
AMARACHI: probably not, but are you smart enough to read my body language?
Episode 8
NKECHI: Amara, get the door I am in the restroom!
AMARACHI: coming!! One minute (opens the door) wow! Where have you been since Saturday. We’ve looked everywhere for you!
EBUKA: why are you still here. You only had my permission to be here until Sunday. By my calendar, today is Monday. You should be in London and not here!
AMARACHI: I’ll explain..
EBUKA: (pushed her aside and walked angrily upstairs) Nkechinyere! Nkechinyere!!
NKECHI: dede!
EBUKA: come upstairs immediately!
NKECHI: hian! Give me 6 minutes. I’m freshening up!
(Nkechi went upstairs to his brother’s room after freshening up. But before then, she reassured Amara of her continuous effort to bring their agenda to fruitition )
NKECHI: dede you got me really worried! You disappeared since Saturday. No phone call or text message. Kee ebe igara? (where did you go?)
EBUKA: I lodged in a hotel
NKECHI: why?
EBUKA: so your friend did not tell you anything?
NKECHI: mba! She did not. What happened?
EBUKA: she did not tell you anything at all??
NKECHI: makachukwu onweghi ihe ogwaram (honest to God, she did not tell me anything ) However, she has been crying since Saturday coupled with the fact that her flight was cancelled and rescheduled for next Sunday!
EBUKA: go inside and ask her to pack up and leave immediately!
NKECHI: but why? What has she done? You can’t just send her away like that!
When I was stranded in Lagos, her brother housed me for weeks! If you are not going to tell me why you are sending her away, then ill call brother Chinwendu and tell him and I’ll leave with her!
EBUKA: if she must stay here, you must ask her to behave!
NKECHI: how? She’s been absolutely helpful so what do you mean?
EBUKA: The scanty clothes must stop! Funmi is coming back tomorrow so I wouldn’t want to see her walking around the house almost naked!
NKECHI: hahahah! Dede dede! But it’s not her fault that she’s got nice legs and body. So her crime is that she is more beautiful than your Yoruba wife!???
You know you are an Igbo man, so you are allowed to take a second bride. The elders will support you???
EBUKA: it’s either she abides by those rules or she leaves and you can tell whoever you like. I don’t care
NKECHI: okay, I’ll tell her. Would you like Some breakfast? We made some really nice omelette.
EBUKA: no thanks. You can leave now; shut the door behind you. Thank you!
(Nkechi joined her friend in her room, and Ebuka started to ring Funmi)
EBUKA: (??????)
FUNMI: hello..good morning
EBUKA: morning, how is mummy today?
FUNMI: she is fine. I got her some blood pressure tablets. So she is fine now
EBUKA: good stuff! So when are you coming back to me?
FUNMI: has your visitor left?
EBUKA: I have no visitor.
FUNMI: when is she leaving?
EBUKA: Why are you asking me? I don’t know! I don’t even talk to that lady! I have been paying 10 thousand naira a night in a hotel just to get you to believe I am not sleeping with her whilst you are away!
I have called you on video every single night since you left, just to prove to you that I am not keeping any other woman in the hotel either!
How else do you want me to prove my faithfulness to you!
FUNMI: I’m not coming back until she leaves.
EBUKA: I’ve told Nkechi to warn her about wearing shorts around the house, and she has agreed not to wear them anymore. Please come back, Funmi!
FUNMI: actually, I found this really nice Ibo lady. She is my dad’s tenant and we have become great friends so I don’t even feel like returning.
EBUKA: why are you doing this? Why are you exposing our young marriage to dangers! You would rather spend time with your new friend than me, right?
FUNMI: okay, I’ll come back on Tuesday. Babe, can you do me a huge favour please?
EBUKA: what favour?
FUNMI: there’s something I’ve asked Calista to buy for me. She called to say she got it. Could you please go collect it from her at Ibrahim junction please?
EBUKA: how would I know when she gets there?
FUNMI: she’ll call you. I’ve given her your number
EBUKA: whatever makes you happy.
FUNMI: thanks, I’ll see you on Tuesday morning
EBUKA: I love you
FUNMI: love you too
(Immediately Ebuka got off the phone, there was a knock on the door, when he asked the person to come in, it was Amara. But this time, she was fully clothed)
EBUKA: why are you in my bedroom?
AMARACHI: I’m sorry, I’ve been here for a while waiting for you to get done with the call so I can come and apologise for what happened on Saturday.
Please forgive me. That is not who I am…I….I just didn’t know what came over me. I am so ashamed of myself
EBUKA: Amara, you are beautiful. Let me be straight, you are damn sexy! You can turn an impotent man on! but you know I am married why would you harass me in the manner you did on Saturday?
AMARACHI: like I said, I don’t know what came over me. I sincerely regret it and I promise it will never happen again.
EBUKA: so when is your flight?
AMARACHI: Sunday
EBUKA: do you have enough spending money that will last you till then?
AMARACHI: not really but I’ll be fine
EBUKA: I’ll give you some money later in the day, and if you need anything let me know.. (phone rings) sorry, I need to take this call
Hello.. hello
Caller: hello, am I on to Ebuka?
EBUKA: yes, you are.
Caller: my name is Calista, your wife’s colleague. I’ve got something for her and I am at Ibrahim junction, sorry I can’t bring it to your house otherwise I would miss my bus home.
EBUKA: if that’s the only problem, then come. I’ll drop you home
CALISTA: are you sure?
EBUKA: sure!
CALISTA: alright, I’ll see you soon
(Calista dropped the item and as Ebuka was driving her home, she initiated a conversation)
CALISTA: Funmi tells me what an amazing husband you are.
EBUKA: does she!
CALISTA: yes. I wish I have a man to go home to every night
EBUKA: but you don’t look single to me
CALISTA: I am as single as it comes .
EBUKA: why?
CALISTA: I’m not attractive enough
EBUKA: you must be kidding me! You are stunning!
CALISTA: my house is the next block. Would you like to come inside and have a cup of coffee?. Don’t say no please
EBUKA: very kind of you! I will!
(They got in and Calista quickly changed into a very loose transparent shirt wearing only an underpant beneath and leaving about 4 buttons undone from the top)
CALISTA: sorry I had to quickly change.
EBUKA: no worries
CALISTA: would you like to have a look around the house?
EBUKA: do I have the time?
CALISTA: of course you do, you have nobody to go home to (gently pulling her shirt apart to reveal even more “skin”) by the way, why are you pretending as if you are blind?
EBUKA: how do you mean?
CALISTA: (takes off her shirt entirely) why are you behaving as if you don’t like this? (Pointing to her breasts)
EBUKA: ermm, I do. But they are on the wrong body. You are my wife’s friend
CALISTA: what does it matter?
EBUKA: everything
CALISTA: pressing herself against him, but I have on several occasions walked into her doing it with our manager. You see, it’s not so much of a big deal as you are making it look.
EBUKA: (gently pushes her away) what did you just say!!
CALISTA: these things happen everywhere and everyday. Funmi is known for her generosity at work, if you know what I mean?
EBUKA: (grabs his car keys and kicks the door open, jumps into his car and zooms off)
MY WIFE: episode 9
(Funmi had called Ebuka severally to pick her up from the park to no avail, so she decided to take a cab home. she knocked on the door and Nkechi opened the door for her)
FUNMI: where is your brother??
NKECHI: calm down, woman! a hello would be a good start!
FUNMI: oh sorry my dear! I’m just worried because I rang him endlessly. he was supposed to pick me up.
good day
NKECHI: well, it’s not very unusual not to get a response when you ring someone on phone! stop acting like someone died!
FUNMI:I don’t even have your time this morning (walks briskly upstairs into their bedroom where Ebuka was getting dressed)
did you not see my calls??
EBUKA: (Ignores her and carries on adjusting his ties in front of the mirror )
FUNMI: stop ignoring me! I am talking to you! I only went to Lagos to see my poorly mother! why didn’t you come to pick me up from the park, like we agreed!
EBUKA: you got yourself safely home, right? so no damage done! get out of my way (pushes her aside and walks away)
FUNMI: ( nearly falls over) Jesu! Ebuka, you’ll hurt me!! what’s your problem! (walks into Nkechi’s room) Nkechi, what’s happening? your brother is not talking to me!
NKECHI: not sure about you Yorubas, but Igbo parents raise their children never to interfere in matters between husband and wife. a third party should not even know about this. he is not talking to you, so what!
He is your husband, you should know how best to penetrate him, if you weren’t busy frequenting Lagos! please keep me out of it!
AMARACHI: I think you should….
FUNMI: hey! stay out of this, please. stay entirely out of it!
(Amarachi’s phone rings…..)
AMARACHI: hello???
EBUKA: Hi, Amara. its Ebuka here. I am at that MTN office at the junction. could you come there right now, please. its urgent!
AMARACHI: is everything okay?
EBUKA: yes. just come.
AMARACHI: Okay. see you shortly. Nkechi, I need to go see someone at the junction now
NKECHI: hian! is everything okay, and who are you going to meet?
AMARACHI: a friend of mine. I told her I came to Abuja so she asked where about. when I told her, she said she was coming to collect her dress from her designer somewhere near the junction and asked if we could meet up. so she is right there now.
NKECHI: alright. be careful then.
AMARACHI: I will.
(Amarachi got to the junction and saw Ebuka in his car. his eyes were red and swollen; he had deafening music playing in his car that he couldn’t hear Amara calling him, so she banged on his glass)
EBUKA: oh! you are here already! perfect! get into the car please
AMARACHI: could you turn down the volume of the music, please!
EBUKA: Sure! (turns down the volume of the music, Amara got into the car and he drove her to a posh Hilton hotel. when he got to the car park, he switched off the ignition)
Amara, have you heard of revenge sex?
AMARACHI: yes. why?
EBUKA: I wanna have revenge sex with you. Now, listen, I am going to be straight forward with you. I love your body. I do not necessarily love you and I do not want a relationship with you or any other woman, as a matter of fact.
So I would like to spend some time with you in this hotel. precisely, I would like to have sex with you here today. How much would you charge me. Don’t be afraid to go into the million zone.
AMARACHI: who are you carrying out the revenge on?
EBUKA: my wife
AMARACHI: Did she cheat on you?
EBUKA: Stop asking too many questions. how much are you willing to charge
AMARACHI: Ebuka, I will not have sex with you. in fact, I will never have sex with you!
EBUKA: so why did you act as if you were dying to have me over the weekend? is it because I said I love only your body? who knows, love might come after sex. you never can tell! but I am an honest guy
AMARACHI: I know I may have acted cheap over the weekend. that is why I am not offended by you asking me for a paid sex. I am actually not cheap; but I understand, because I created that impression.
EBUKA: (opens his pigeon hole and brings out a bundle of 20 thousand naira) here, have this, get off my car and go back home, miss expensive!
AMARACHI: I am new here and I do not know my way around. so I will not put myself in any form of danger. drop me home or I am going no where!
and for your information, I traded my shame for the joy of the lord, e mean say I no dey shame. we fit create a crowd pulling scene here if you want. so get your filthy money off my face!
EBUKA: I don’t expect a slut like you to have any shame anyway. well, the last time I checked, you are going to be a graduate engineer in a few months from now. so I would expect you to be street wise and able to take yourself around with the help of your mobile phone. but since you are not as intelligent as you look, I will help.
so, there is something called Uber ride, call them and get yourself home!
AMARACHI: just so you know, I am an only daughter to a doting parents. if anything happens to me, they will die. so I will not enter into a stranger’s car. when you are done ranting, take this slut home!
EBUKA: okay! i will drop you to a place where you only need one taxi home, and i will put you into that taxi by myself. is that okay, madam Thatcher?
AMARACHI: It is not okay, Mr Hitler! home! home! home! or no where else!
(seeing that she was not willing to accept any other option, Ebuka decided to drive her home. when they got home, Ebuka went straight to his Xbox. but Amara walked all the way back to the junction and then got a cab back home, so that no one would know they went out together)
FUNMI: darling, food is ready
EBUKA: not hungry. thanks!
FUNMI: why are you not hungry. seriously, why not tell me exactly what I have done! why are you being wicked to me!
EBUKA: Funmi, do you want to tell me anything about you and your manager, Mr Osai?
FUNMI: ,Mr Osai? no. what about him?
EBUKA: Perfect then! (picks up his phone and started ringing Chima, his friend)
CHIMA: what’s up?
EBUKA: o boy, you dey house?
CHIMA: yes, i dey
EBUKA: i dey come your end, abeg
CHIMA: no wahala. see you!
(Ebuka walks out of the house and went to his friend’s house. when he left, Funmi picked up her phone and started ringing Calista)
CALISTA: hey my beautiful! are you alright?
FUNMI: no, i am not. did you tell my husband about Mr Osai and I?
CALISTA: (Pressed record on her phone so that their conversation is being recorded in her mobile phone)
you mean if i told him that you slept with Mr Osai?
FUNMI: Yes, did you?
CALISTA: wait wait! I don’t get it. do you mean the one I walked in on you having sex with him or the one you told me happened when you went to Ghana for training? i really don’t understand.
FUNMI: yes!! yes! did you tell him or anyone else about it, please!
CALISTA: Come on, babe! you know i would never do a thing like that to you!….
MY WIFE: Episode 10
MADAM BOLA: () omo Ibo! Omo Ibo!!! Open door o! Day don break! Which young person dey stay for bed until this time when him mates don all dey ready for work.
for night you no go sleep, na so you go dey for phone dey talk to man!
ADAKU: good morning, ma.
MADAM BOLA: ehn! I wan come tell you say rent dey go up this month by twenty thousand naira o!
ADAKU: why? There has been no renovations or anything done to the house to warrant such increase?
MADAM BOLA: na your mama you dey ask why? Na lack of respect go kill you! No home training at all!!!
See as she keep mouth dey ask me why! Anyway, if you no like am, pack your things and go back to Igbo land.
Lagos no be lazy man land. No be like your place wen una no dey pay rent. I don talk finish. No talk say I no tell you o!
(Adaku went back inside and shut her door. After a while, one of the tenants called Bose knocked on her door…)
ADAKU (opens the door) morning, Bose
BOSE: na vex say I dey disturb, abeg help me charge my phone for your room. I no get fuel to put my generator on. Abeg
ADAKU: sure! Come in and plug it in. Ehn! Bose, did you hear of the rent increase?
BOSE: which increase?
ADAKU: landlady told me this morning that rent has increased by twenty thousand naira.
BOSE: ah! She no tell me anything like that o! She only say a new tenant will be moving in from next week. That’s all.
ADAKU: okay.
(Bose left and Adaku went to madam Bola’s house)
ADAKU () anyone home?
MADAM BOLA: wetin you want?
ADAKU: sorry to disturb, but why was my rent increased but everyone else’s stayed the same?
MADAM BOLA: oh! You come my house come ask me why again??? You no dey shame? All the money wen you dey get for olosho job, wetin you dey take am dey do! Leave my house before I call my dog!
ADAKU: I’ll leave but just so you know, I am not paying a kobo more than what I have always paid. Bye! (Walks out)
MADAM BOLA: na for that house them go find your decomposing body if you no pay rent. Shebi na me and you for this yard. You go see!
************************************************
FUNMI: good morning, sir.
MR OSAI: morning, Funmi. You don’t look too happy; what’s the matter?
FUNMI
breaks down in tears????)MR OSAI: oh dear! What’s the matter? Come on! Stop crying and talk to me. What happened? How is Ebuka?
FUNMI: I’m in trouble??
MR OSAI: what trouble? If you calm down and tell me, I might be able to help. I mean you are my staff i could use the company’s money to solve the problem and then gradually take it back from your wages.
Did you make any mistakes?
Is money missing?
Did you overpay a client?
FUNMI: nooo????? my husband found out I was sleeping with you.
MR OSAI: but that happened when we were both unmarried!
Do you know all the women he slept with before meeting you? Come on! This shouldn’t be an issue!
FUNMI: that’s the problem! He didn’t even let me explain. I don’t know what he was told and who told him.
Since then, home has been hell! He goes out and comes back drunk and totally off his face. Calls me all manner of names. I never thought my past could find its way to my present and mess it up this way!
MR OSAI: but you and I had a secret relationship because we were in the same company.
No one knew about it except of course your friend…. And I take the blame because you kicked against that but I insisted on having sex with you in my office. So how could he have known!
Does your friend have his phone number?
FUNMI: no..well, yes. I recently gave it to her because I wanted her to give him the shoes he bought me from Italy, when I was in Lagos. I don’t think she saved it.
And I don’t want to believe she would do such a thing to me
MR OSAI: I’m not saying she said it, but you women can be really nasty when you feel your friend is happier than you. You women are always competing with each other, which I think is pathetic!
Listen, go to your husband when he is sober and explain things to him.
Come on! Not like we were having casual sex! We were in a relationship and we were going to get married until our genotypes shattered those plans.
I’m sure your husband had sex with at least one of his exes! Why punish you for it!
FUNMI: I am in bits. This is a home where I am already the black sheep! If his family gets to know, they’d kick me out and my mother warned me not to ever come back home if my marriage crashes, because she was never in support of me marrying an Ibo man??
MR OSAI: would you like me to talk man to man with him?
FUNMI: I don’t know what I want. I can’t even function
MR OSAI: alright! Listen, this is not a big deal at all, but I understand your fears. I’ll give you one week off, fully paid. Try to sort things out with him as amicably as possible, if all fails, I’ll send you to America to start a new life. What nonsense!!!??
I hate to see you like this. And I feel very guilty because I am enjoying my own marriage. Please go home and if you need anything, regardless of what time of the day or night it is, I am only a phone call away.
Here is fifty thousand naira, have that on you just in case.?
FUNMI: thank you very much. I’ll be on my way now.
MR OSAI: take care of you, funmi??
(Funmi got home and met Amarachi and Nkechi but Ebuka was not home)
FUNMI: good morning, Kechi. Where is your brother?
NKECHI: you are asking me??? You are asking me ehn! You see how you are ruining my brother’s life!
Whatever you did to him that he has refused to tell anyone, only God knows!
Ebuka that hardly drinks now comes home drunk every single night! My brother is gradually dying in my own presence because of a Yoruba fool he got himself entangled with!
Pray nothing happens to him. Otherwise we will show you what we are made of! I recorded him last night drunk and talking gibberish. I’ll send that video to brother Chinwendu just so he knows exactly how you are killing my brother
AMARACHI: NKechi ozuola!( NKechi, it’s enough!)
FUNMI: ???
NKECHI: enough what! Do you know how I feel seeing my brother like that! Please don’t tell me it’s enough!
I will kill this Yoruba thing with my bare hands if anything happens to Ebuka.
You better go and ask of Okoye family! Anyi adighi ekiri mmanwu ana akwa aka! (An Igbo proverb suggesting that they are not cowards)
AMARACHI: where are you getting dressed to go?
NKECHI: I’m going to welcome my boyfriend from the airport. I told you yesterday. See, you don’t have to assist this Yoruba woman with any house chores. Her people like using people, so don’t let a Yoruba person tell you what to do. Otherwise she will put you for pant. I’m off!…Don’t forget to eat?
(Nkechi left the house, Funmi went into the kitchen to prepare launch. She cried audibly as she washed the pot in preparation for cooking. Amara walked into the kitchen, took the vegetables and started chopping them for her)
AMARACHI: I know it hurts, but should you need someone to talk to, I am here…
FUNMI: why should I trust you, a stranger!
AMARACHI: perhaps because I am a woman and I feel your pains..
FUNMI: you don’t! Nobody does!
AMARACHI: you cheated on him, right?
FUNMI
shocked) what? How did you know! I did not cheat!!! I didn’t (breaks down in tears??)AMARACHI: it’s not the end of the world. You can deal with this. You have the ability in you. You just need the temerity…
I can help you….
FUNMI: how???
To be continued